I Have Seen Cheesus

My Room
Post 2-Day SCI
Drinking Sex Juice
Loving Life
1:36 pm
Sunday, October 31, 2004

I Have Seen Cheesus

A dude gave me a dose.
They played Texas.
I rocked.
I rolled.
Met a share-cropper.

"So that one dude was playing the guitar, and the other dude was playing the same guitar. I was like, woah." Roger, Ayse's Facebook husband. I married them.

I was leaf girl -- I went in costume, as a woodland nymph. I borrowed some fuzzy fawn pants, crafted myself a triangle bra top out of gold gossamer ribbon and felt leaves. Kenneth let me borrow his tin whistle, so I was quite pan-like. I had little ears, bells in my hair, good times on my mind. At one point, this guy comes up to me and says to me, "Oh, you're leaf girl. Someone told me about you. You really are as beautiful as they said." Gave me a hug, and wandered off into the humanity.

More things to say, but not now. Now, we're drinking sex juice, and chilling out. More tomorrow.

String Cheese Incident is proof that God loves me and wants me to be happy. I love life, I love the jam.
When do we get to do this again?

Suvery Say: I'm a Big Giant Dork

"Once a man is truly himself in this way, he possesses an accumulated power that is sufficient for more than his own self-preservation, a power that he can let overflow, so to speak, onto others, through which he can take them into himself and identify himself with them. We are morally more worthy, more compassionate and authetic, the more each person is merely himself, that is, the more each person allows this inner core to become sovereign within himself, the core in which all men identical beyond the muddle of their social bonds and accidental guises."

"All relations with others are thus ultimately mere stations along the road by which the ego arrives at its self. This is true whether the ego feels itself to be basically identical to these others because it still needs this supporting conviction as it stands alone upon itself and its own powers, or whether it is stong enough to bear the lonliness of its own quality, the multitude being there only so that each individual can use the others as a measure of his incomparability and the indivduality of his world."

"One force is the yearning ofr th autonomous personality that bears the cosmos within itself, whose isolation has the great compensation of being identical to all others are its deepest, natural core. The other is the yearning for the incomparability of being unique and different, which is compensated for its isolation by the fact that each person can exchange with another some good that he alone possesses and whose exchange weaves both of them into the interaction of organic parts of a whole."

"I would prefere to believe that the idea of free personality as such and the idea of unique personality as such are not the last words of individualism -- that, rather, the unforeseeable work of mankind will even more numerous and varied forms with which the human personality will affirm itself and prove the worth of its existence." Lewis Simmel, "Freedom and the Individual"

And for all you Tyler People:

"To the extent that the metropolis creates these phychological conditions -- with every crossing of the street, with the tempo and multiplicity of economic, occupational and social life -- it creates in the sensory foundations of mental life, and in the degree of awareness necessitated by our organization as creatures dependent on differences, ad eep contrast with the slower, more habitual, more smoothly flowing rhythm of the sensory-mental phase of small town and rural existance. Thereby the essential intellectualistic character of the metal life of the metropolis becomes intelligable as over against that of the small town which rests more on feelings and emotional relationships. These latter are rooted in the conscious levels of the mind and develop more readily in steady equilibruim of unbroken customs. the locus of reason, on the other hand, is in the the lucid, conscious upper strata of the mind and it is the most adaptable of out inner forces."

"The smaller the circle which forms our environment and the more limited the relationships which have the possibility of transcending the boundaries, the more anxiously the narrow community watches over the deeds, the conduct of life and the attitudes of the individual and the more will the quantitative and qualitative individuality tend to pass beyond the boundaries of such communities."

" . . .That we follow the laws of our inner nature -- and this is what freedom is -- become percceptible and convincing to us and to others only when the expressions of this nature distinguish themselves from others; it is our irreplaceablity by others which shows that our mode of existance is not imposed on us from the outside."

"The decisive fact here is that the life of a city, struggle with nature for the means of life is transformed into a conflict with human beings and the gain which is fought for is granted not by nature, but by man."

"The metropolis places emphasis on striving for the mose individual forms of personal existance -- regardless of whether it is always correct of always successful." "The Metropolis and Mental Life" Lewis Simmel

Maybe that's why we all go out. . . .

Why Reflection is Key

"Clearly, we have no lack of matters on which to take action. However, though it is certain that we will hereafter have to set up new goals beyond those already attained, it would be senseless to renounce the latter in order to better persue the former. For the necessary progress is possible only thanks to progress already acheived. It is a matter of completing, extending, and organizing individualism, not of restraining and combating it. Reflection alone can help us emerge from our present difficulties." "Individualism and the Intellectuals" Emile Durkheim

This is One Giant Suckfest

One Giant Ball of Sickness
In the Same PJ's I've Been Wearing for Two Days
Head Pounding
Feverish
Coughing
Boo Boo Sickness
To Sick to Do Work = My Ass is Behind
11:53 am
Monday, October 25, 2004

This is One Giant Suckfest

I thought my immune system was, for once, on the ball. Four weeks here and I hadn't caught the nastiness that's been circulating amongst the first years. Oh, I spoke too soon. Friday -- I feel fine, tonsils normal sized. Saturday -- I feel fine. Sunday -- Oh my God, my tonsils are the size of guppies! Ouch Ouch Ouch. Oh, and I've been running a fever. Of course, not like normal people, but since my baseline temperature is lower the 98.7 all the time, actually getting up to normal is a fever for me. C'est la vie.

Obviously, I'm not in class now. Technically, I could have physically made it into class today, but by this evening, I would have been 82X sicker then I am now. Not a pleasant thought. I'm drinking OJ by the half-gallon, and sleeping this day away.

Let's put in another way. I'm so sick that going for a car ride with Kenneth yesterday wore me out. Hardcore. I even turned down the chance to stroll on Navy Pier, and we all know that I can be quite retarded when it comes to NP. Yes, sadly, that's how sick I am. However, let's also keep in mind that I'm a big giant baby when it comes to physical ailments. Miraculously, of all the people that should be sick, Kenneth seems to have escaped unscathed. Oh people with functioning immune systems, how I envy you.

Nonetheless, this is one giant suckfest.

Luckily, some people have helped me out. Andrew's turning in my French homework for me, and Will made me laugh. I'm sure that Ayse'll heat me up some soup if I whine enough. Maybe someone will come keep my sick ass company -- I mean, the sick-chick look is soo hot, right?

I just wish someone would take care of me. I hardly ever actually want to spend time with my mom, but right now, I wish she were here. She would make me feel better. At least she would make me feel physically better, at the loss of my hard fought mental stability. At this point, I'd take it.

Time to drink more Robo (which, yes, I got from Andy), chug some OJ, and go back to bed. If I move too much I get lightheaded. To reiterate -- This is One Giant Suckfest.

So This is What I Used to do on Saturday

Chez Moi
Drinking Maker's Mark
Lonely, but it Doesn't Show
About to Chill with Grace
Learning to Play Victoria
October 23, 2004
11:10 pm

So This is What I Used to do on Saturday

Don't get me wrong: I know I'd inherently ridiculous. I've accepted this and moved on with my life. My only question is, why God why do I attract people who are also such?

Good Mornings Lead to Good Days.

Parent's Weekend = Hell

The only applicable thing to do right now is continue drinking, and play guitar.

"Let's by pass the bullshit, and move on, because the minute hand moves faster then we think it does. And by no fault of yours, and by no fault of mine, the bottom line has been laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight."

Oh With the Goodness

My Room
Still Drinking Ayse's Jack
Happy Happy Happy
Attempting to do Work (Attempting being the Operative World)
Yeah, Right.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
10:40 pm

Oh, With the Goodness.
Ayse's Hearts B.
I heart Young Hotness.
Matt Smetts, "You really should rock that first years world."
Nevertheless, it turns out that mines getting a good rocking of its own.

For once, I am not going to over analyze, deconstruct, and attempt to find underlying meaning to this one.

Bryan: " You know Mia, don’t get me wrong I have always known you to be a very interesting, mysterious, complex person, but since reading your postings I don’t think I have ever met anyone as contemplative and expressive as you."

Not this time. Not yet, not now. Just with the goodness. Oh, with the Goodness.

Otherwise, life goes great. Belly dancing is amazing -- I'm repiercing my belly button sometime this week, and *gasp* possibly developing abs. Like, real abs, as in there is the shadows of a six-pack somewhere under the fluff. I don't want to get to specific, because I'm afraid I'll scare my abs back into hiding, but the potential is there.

I'm going to expand my photo genre to erotic pictures sometimes next week. Alii is on a website called Suicide Girls, (think tasteful porn meets live journal) and I'm going to be her resident photographer. Oh, and I'm going to take pictures of Ayse's gauntness, just because I think it'll make good black and whites. So, tomorrow Kenneth and I are going to go on an inaugural car ride (his mom's bringing his car) and I'm going to learn to use Will's amazing digital camera.

Speaking of Will, happy birthday sweetheart. He's teaching me to play pool, and I don't suck as bad as I used to, that's for sure. We've decided to try to play every day, or close to it, in hopes of making me into a Hottie McHottness Pool Shark. I made him promise not to be all mean and manly about teaching me. Will's a man of his word.

I've miraculously regained my ability to speak French, which is such a comfort. I've taken to not only muttering to myself in French, but also accompanying my daily life with various ASL signs. I've taught myself how to say, "Silly Hoe," "Stupid Whore," "Your Mom" and "It Happens." I won't lie: I'm probably verging on obnoxious.

Work's going so good that AmAZing (think U of C accent) doesn't even come close. I can feel myself becoming the glue that holds that place together. I went in this morning, all by myself, to call reference (which is ridiculously strange experience that really should constitute it's own entry.) and it felt so right. I had the keys, I turned off the security system, and I did my thing. My boss (Jerry) called after afternoon work to make sure I was coming early tomorrow. After he hung up, about two minutes later the phone rings again. Jerry just wanted to tell me that both he and Paula were so very happy they hired me. I glowed for about two hours.

Young Hottness keeps strange hours, and consequently, so do I. Lack of sleep is making me loopy, so I'm determined to get to bed before 2 tonight. Did I mention that I've been writing this instead of my French paper? (In my own defense, I was catching up with Bryan too. I heart Bryan.) Time to put my proverbial nose to grind, in hope of rubbing noses in reality later.

My life is goodness. I am goodness. This, me, it ca, cet, c'est bien. Inner peace is hard to come by in a mind wracked with chemical instability, yet for some reason, I tend to do okay. Moreover, sometimes, I do even better that that. I'm good.

Oh, with the Goodness. Thank you life, thank you me. This, this I can do.

*Sigh

At Chez Moi
Drinking Ayse's Jack
Disjointed, Contradictory, Ehhh
Still Drinking Though
John Mayer Reassures Me that Love is an Option
October 19, 20004
12:43 am


*Sign

It's Monday and as seems par to the course, I'm looking for the fun, and while I find it, it leaves me in a confusing wonder. Ayse and Scott are heading towards disaster or something real; neither will tolerate any in-between. And me? I'm finishing the Jack that someone bought, with Ayse's money, because instinctively Mainzer knew what I wanted. Yet, I'm melancholy, angsty, and discomforted. So, maybe it's time to count my blessing.

I have wonderful, beautiful friends, on both sides of the continent.
I am getting an amazing opportunity to fufill my great aspirations towards Dorkdom.
Dad will always be there and and support me no matter what, and only wants me to be as happy as possible, trying my hardest, yet doing the best I can.
I have a home: Maclean House, 124. With Charmaine as momma, what more do I need?
I have a job that I do well, where I'm appreciated, and where I make money without ever thinking that that's why I do this. This organization will greatly benefit from me.
I'm healthy, and more fundamentally, I'm being given the opportunity to grow intellectually in all areas of my life. I’m taking an HTML class for the creative outlet side of me, yet learning more sociologically then ever before. And emotionally, I'm always growing, being pushed, evolving.

I'm learning to be honest, not only with the general public, but in the most intimate areas of my psyche.

"Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it.
Something's missing, and I don't know what it is.
No, I don't know what it is at all.

When Autumn comes, It doesn't ask
It just walks in, where it left you last
You never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart

"I can't be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design
I wish that I was over the context
Because loneliness
I feel loneliness
And I feel loneliness tonight.

Friends, check
Money, check
Well slept, check
Opposite sex, check
Guitar, check
Microphone, check
Messages waiting on me when I come home, check"

Damn, and all of a sudden, I'm a cliché. I never wanted to be one of those "Lonely 20 Somethings" and yet I am. I've been listening to the call my life's been issuing, the rhythm of a line of idle days, yet I still wander the great indoors alone. I love this territory, and in a sense, I need it as a sense of reality, but I can't find what I seek.

Some tell me that seeking is what makes it impossible. Could it be that all that seek only find others that seek? And once you've reached that point, you're not fully engrossed in being yourself, in living your life, but are caught up in the game of hide and seek, of show and tell, or To Date or Not to Date. That is the question.

And all of a sudden, I find myself in a hormone-strewn world I vainly hoped to never see again, and I am lost in a sea of angst. My pulse is proof that I am listening to the call my life has been issuing, but at what point do I reach justification?

"I refuse to believe my life is nothing but a string of incompletes."

I'm sure there's a theory I could spout now: Merton, Durkheim, Simmel, Levi-Strauss, Weber, Churchill if I looked hard enough, but the fact still remains: the extreme satisfaction in one facet of my life serves to not only compel me towards realization, but only makes the lack of fulfillment sharper where it most blatantly lacks.

"No one wants to be alone at Christmas time"

How many new resolutions lay ahead of me before I'm safe till St. Patrick's Day?

I shouldn't make is seem like I had a bad weekend, because that is by no means true. Yet, my Monday orientation is a little unclear. Not enough school to point it that way. Not enough others to redirect my course. And, as I am prone to do, I turn inwards. Am I silly? Am I off base? Probably, but it still feels all-enthralling, and until it does not so feel, at its mercy am I.

Goddamnit. I'm taking an HTML class tomorrow as part of my quest to better myself -- blog beautification, here I come. Only downside is that this free class is at 9:00 tomorrow morning. This will be rough, but I'm a rock star.

Chin up young person. I'm gonna found out just how boring I am, and have a good time. Now it's the new thing, down with the old me. Time for munchies, liquor, and the absence of cuddling, but the hope of better days.

How Appropriate

"The more we have in common with another as whole persons, however, the more easily will out totality be involved in every single relation to him . . .The whole happiness and depth of the relation to another person with whom, so to speak, we feel identical, lies in the fact that not a single contact, not a single word, not a single common activity or pain remains isolated by always clothes the whole soul which completely gives itself in it and is received in it. . . One might entertain the paradoxical suspicion that when individuals are destined to the closest mutual emotional relationship, the emergence of the intimate phase is guided by an instinctive pragmatism so that the eventual feeling attains its most passionate intensification and awareness of what is has achieved by means of an opposite prelude -- a step back beforee running, as it were." Simmel, "Forms of Social Interaction"

Why We Need Drama

"If we did not have the right to power and the right to rebel against tryranny, arbitrariness, moodiness, tactlessness, we could not bear to have any relation to people from whose characters we suffer. We would feel pushed to take desperate steps -- and these, indeed, would end the relation but do not, perhaps, constitute "conflict.". . .Our opposition makes us feel that we are not completely victims of the circumstances. It allows us to prove our strength consciously and only thus gives vitatlity and reciprocity to conditions from which, witout such corrective, we would withdraw at any cost." George Simmel from "Forms of Social Interaction"

J'ai Ecouté Bien!

My Room
Really Wanting a Cig
Floundering Between Working and Chillin'
Finished with My French Listening!
Lonely, Except for the AIM Beep
Needing Groceries
Sing it Dean -- Only I'm Not Sure Where My Heart is
About to Seek Musical Release

J'ai Ecouté Bien!

Hooray! I was actually able to do my French listening activity with minimal pain and in just under an hour, which is proof that miracles happen every day. It's so refreshing and rewarding to find academic reassurance that I can do this, that I am learning, that I can be scholarly when I try.

I got to dance today, which was refreshing, and a wonderfully exhilarating confirmation that my back is, at least for now, healed. I'm pretty good at belly dancing, if I don't say so myself. Don't get me wrong: I'm definitely a beginner, but I seem to grasp the concepts; my body works that way. Some of these girls obviously didn't even know they HAD hips before they started the classes, let alone used them in the dance.

I was able to get most everything I needed to get done done today. I still have to faire me revieller très tôt donc que je peux lire mes textes pour le classe du Théorie de Sociologie. I bought the other books I need, braved the Reg without any disaster, and watched a strange French movie so that I can complete my Activitié Personnelle by Friday. Thank God Ayse watched it with me. Always nice to have someone else confirm that pre-teen French people making out is just WRONG on several levels. Do French children really do that? I seriously doubt that. Cultural point: This movie (Cross My Heart) was made released in 1982, but the attitude towards homosexuality is so healthy. There is a teacher in the movie, and a group of kids asks him if he'll adopt one of the students who's mother has died. He tells them that he can't because he's not married, and they look into that for adoption, and then he tells them that he's also gay. The kids say it's horrible, which at first seems harsh, then they elaborate. No, they don't care either way about his sexual orientation, but they're upset that the government would harass their teacher, who would adopt their friend if he could. Could you image a scene like that in mainstream American cinema in 1982? 2004 for that matter!

I just told the Story of Sean to Lauren F. and for possibly first time, I didn't feel emotionally invested. Time is the great equalizer, and lord knows I should have crafted, painted, played, cried that mess out of my system. It's nice to see that that is actually so. Maybe one day, I'll be over it enough to sing his song for someone else, even though I never sang it for him.

Tomorrow I'm going out to eat with Richard, which should be nice. It's so refreshing to have someone I can talk sociology with. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that'll be a main topic of discussion, but it's nice to know other people who get excited about social patterns of interaction. And, Lauren F. and I, and possibly others, our going to make our Grand Debut at bar night. Free beer!

I went for a nice walk last night with Kenneth. It's strange: I wouldn't have thought that I'd have enough things to talk about with someone for four hours straight, but I gladly mistaken. There are good things there.

I need to therapeutically play guitar -- it's my form of meditation. Then I should sleep. I get to read Simmel and Coser tomorrow morning before class. And, well, I was up with Kenneth until 3:30 am last night. Not that I wouldn't do it again in a heartbeat, but sleep sounds oh so blissful.

What?!? No Work?!?! Egads!

Waiting for Ayse to Realize the Packers are Going to Lose
Facing an Utter Lack of Work
About to Bust Open the Box-O-Fun
Hoping I Can Get all my Shit Done Tomorrow
Having Faith in My List of Lists
Bored Bored Bored
Jammin' with the Kinks (Oh my Lola, L-O-L-A, Lola)
9:28 pm
Monday, October 11, 2004

What?!? No Work?!?! Egads!

For some reason, I have no work. Here at the U of C (and yes, I did accompany that with the appropriate ASL sign) we don't call it homework, we can it Work, because that's what it is. Hardcore - Bust - Your - Ass - Don't - Even - Think - About -Leaving - Your - Room - Oh - My - God - I - Have - How - Many - Pages - to - Read - and - It's - Not - on - E - Reserve -God - Why - OHh - Why - Di d- I - Come - t o- This - Hel l- Hole - of - a - School - WORK. And for some reason, I have none. I feel strangely adrift in this sea of academia, hoping that I can make it to a raft without taking on water, or drowning. Is this the eye of the storm, since yesterday I was so far behind I was sure I'd drown? Or am I just fooling myself, and the storm hasn't even started yet?

I personally can't take credit for this phenomenon. I must give credit where credit is due. Thank you Prof. Levine for making a large section of our readings from books that were incorrectly ordered the first time at the Co-op, or are officially out of print and therefore have to be ordered from Amazon. Oh, and I can't forget Joseph Regenstein for being the namesake of the scariest, most imposing library of Doom. Without him, I might enjoy going to the library and not avoid it like the plague. (Let me illustrate: I've only been in the library 5 times since my beginning at the U of C, and each one, especially when I have to go into the turnstile, has been nothing but a gigantic pain in the ass. Like this one time, this girl seriously got pissy and upset because I was in "her" cubical. Get a life bitch.) I almost forgot to mention all the lovely people in the French department who, while possessing an outstanding grasp of the English language, haven't mastered all the intricacies of HTML and therefore did not post the audio file for my listening assignment.

Let me get to the point: in all truthfulness, I have about 50 pages of reading to do for Wednesday, but I don't have to books. I'm going to have to go run copies at the Reg tomorrow, and check the Co-op for the other. I also have to watch a short video for ASL, borrow a French movie and watch it before my Lecture interview on Wednesday. Hopefully by then the audio file will have emerged, and I can spend at least two hours wishing French people spoke slowly, concisely, and clearly. Fat Chance.

So, needless to say, this time tomorrow, I'm sure to be floundering in a sea of tempestuous academic sludge, but for now, I think I'll enjoy my moments of calm, glass waters.

It's strange, I really don't know what to do with myself, yet my body remembers how to deal with times like this, and I have oh so easily slipped back into the circadian rhythm of last year. Chicken Parmesan a la Florien, West Wing, and mad smokage. Sometimes we come full circle. Yet, instead of hiding from my life in the smoke-filled shit-hole that is Ayse's room, I'm merely taking a break, thanking the universe for this breather, yet readying myself for the coming onslaught.

Have I mentioned my list for tomorrow? The one divided into thirty-minute time slots made to save the most time and to conserve walking energy? Yes, yes, I am anal retentive when it comes to list, but without them, I generally cease to function.

Therefore, I'm off to debauchery, hopefully, and possibly a little flirtation with the newfound object of my affection. Can I go so far as to suggest that maybe, just maybe, there are seed of romance? I better not; I don't want to jinx it.

Harrumpff

Wishing for Love via Frank Sinatra
Buried under Sociological Theory Readings
Wondering Where the Hell the Weekend Went
Sleepy
12:18 am
Monday, October 11, 2003


Harrumpff

This weekend just flew by! I basically lost Friday a la muscle relaxors and bed-rest. It was nice, and most importantly, it helped my back. My mom was right -- i just needed to let everything calm down, which lets the inflamation go down, which stops the disc from pressing on the nerve. Good call Dr. Blackman/Mom.

I went out and got completely tanked last night. Ohh so trashed. It was good times though and I felt completely justified; it was my welcome back to the real world party. It seems to have gone around -- Everyone got ridiculously wasted last night. There were many a hagared, hung over, work-bound individual at Maclean today.

Oh, Matt and I went and bought a fish Saturday afternoon! May I introduce Sir Leopold Schwiggins, esq. I'm so easily amused. I've already wasted an absurd amount of time just watching him. I wonder what fishy thoughts are like. I like to think that Sir Schwiggins has a deep intellect and spends his time contemplating the nature of his small universe.

Besides that, nothing spectacular happend this weekend, which I name a blessing. It's not often that I can party, live, and love without some drama being involved. But don't you worry: this weekend had it's fair share of riduclouness. Noah kissed me, which was wierd, I twisted my ankle in my black fuck-me boots, which did NOT work by the way, and I drank a lot of pumpkin ale.

Oh, and I went and picked up my pictures from Osco. There are some really good ones. Will's going to show me how to upload pictures to my free webspace from U of C, then how I can host them on my blog. But, they couldn't find one of the rolls. Uh ohh. I will kill if they lost half of my ACL pics. Lauren was right: sometimes you just need to break down and pay for one-hour photo: the won't get misplaced that way. But, no worries yet, I have the slip with the number on it, and the girl at Osco said that if I bring that in, they should be able to find it. How that tiny slip of paper will make my pictures reappear, I haven't figured out yet, but it's worth a shot.

I have to get up super early and Reg it up a bit. I'm still soo behind. I have to do a Simmel reading. I might not get to it though -- I'm still working on the reading for tomorrow (it's a 100 pages. Oh, i don't heart you U of C.) and I have to give a presentation on it. Ehhck. And I think I may have a French quiz. That class is machochistic. I mean, I'm taking this class "for fun" and it's been everything but. Our quiz is over the le gerondif, gerand clauses in anglais. I would like the record to show that I have no idea what that is in English, let alone French.

But lets talk about good things coming up: I'm making ghetto spinach pie tomorrow for several people, if I get a check from my dad. The weather's supposed to be nice. Big Ass Texas BBQ coming up soon! Hooray beef! Oh, and I flipped my feather comforter, so now the fluffy side is by my face. (Small pleasures, small pleasures, who can deny us these?) And most importantly -- My Back Is All Better! *Knock on Wood. If I have a progression of symptoms, or pass out again, I'm going to have to get an MRI. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Baby ducks, soft sweaters, cold water, clean sheets, new pens, nag champa, and coffee.

Time to go read another 50 pages of Shils. Yay? Harrumpff.

On the UP and UP

My Still Horrible Chairs
On LOTS of Muscle Relaxors
Loving Jason Mraz
In Pain, but Not Minding So Much
Post Massive Bean Making Adventure
About to Chil out and Start my Bed Rest
11:56
Thursday, October 7, 2004

On the UP and UP

So, I called the SCC today and told them that my 24 advil a day regimine was falling far short the of task. There suggestion:

I eat lots of muscle relaxors and stay in bed for a couple of days. NICE.

I don't think that this will solve the problem, but a medical excuse to be a huge lazy ass is always nice.

And, I have a date tomorrow. I've already warned him, Richard (a fourth year from my Sociological Theory class. Someone I can talk about Weber too! Hehehe.) that I'm more then likely going to be fucked up for this date, but he said not to worry. I told him I'm up for whatever, as long as it doesn't involve stairs, jumping jacks or running. He said, "Damn, I guess we'll go mountain climbing another time." This will be real date number three for me.

Am I inherently undatable? To quote Matt, "Your a gorgeous, brillant, outgoing woman. I don't understand why guys aren't lined up to date you. I think you scare them." Whatever that means.

I think Adam's dropped off the planet. Or, he's like most men in my life: talks a lot, but rarely follows through. I hope there's a reasonable explination for this, because that was nice. I want to visit him family over Thanksgiving. There was something there, is something there that I'd like to explore.


"The phone only works both ways."

Well, time to eat more pills, crawl into my lonely lovely bed of bliss, and stay there. Things aren't necessarily better, but at least tommorow will be all right via pharmacutical impliments. Hooray modern medicine!

I Want to Go Home

My Horrible Chair
Jamin' with the Jam Band Shuffle
Post Harry Potter II
In Lots of Pain
12:07 am
Thursday, October 7, 2004


I Want to Go Home

Imagine if you will, myself, sitting in Sociology, eating a cookie, learning about Durkheim. (I heart Durkheim.) So, my back starts to hurt. No big deal, right? This happens all the time, no huge thing.

Then I go numb and tingly across the shoulders.
And my hands go numb.
Shootings pains running up and down my back.

At this point, I'm gripping the sides of my desk, trying not to throw up.

Lightheaded.
Tunnel Vision.
Colored spots across my narrow field of vision.

I can feel myself start to lose my grip on consciouness. I spend last ten minutes of class repeating in my head:
Do not pass out.
Do not pass out.
Don't throw up.
Stay with me.
Don't pass out.
Don't pass out.

Class ends, I ask the kid next to me to use his wireless internet to find me the number for the student care center. I place a pained call, they tell me to be there as soon as possible. I called work and told Jerry I couldn't come on my first day: I had to go to the hospital.

I get there, tell the doctor my history, and she gives me IB Profen. I'm taking the equivalent of 24 advils a day, and it's not doing squat. She also gave me muscle relaxors so I can sleep.

It still hurts to exist.

She, Dr. Blackstone, sent me to get x-rays of my neck and spine. I probably have a slipped disk, possibly degerative; I may need back surgury. I may have an unstable spine.

I had to go back to the doctor for my yearly woman's health visit, and they thought I had an irregular heartbeat. I had an EKG, and it showed up fine. But, if i get where I think I'm going to pass out again, I'm probably going to have to wear an EKG for 24 hours.

I almost passed out in the shower today.
And in French.

I'm going to call tomorrow to see if they have my x-rays back, and I'm going to ask them to give me better drugs.

I can't concentrate.
I can't read.
Walking hurts.
Sitting hurts.
Sleeping hurts.
I'm tired all the time.
I'm behind in my classes.
I'm lonely.

I've been dealing with a huge case of the Mean Reds, and I'm scared.

I miss my dad.
I miss my mom.
I miss Lauren.
I miss Eric.
I miss Adam.
I miss Jaynie.
I miss Bryan.
I miss Steph.
I miss home.

Home where the heart is, where the grass is always greener, where the sun always shines. This is home too in a way I never thought possible. But being miles from my family, the people who knew me when, is really hard. Especially when everything is so uncertain, confusing, painful. I just want to visit, sit for a spell. Don't get me wrong, I don't belong there. But everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes, and no place is better for that then home. I want to go home.

Truth a la Durkheim

"Without doubt, when we encounter invincible obstacles, when we feel tmporarily powerless, we must endure difficult moments of defeat and disgust. But if we hae a passion for truth, if we have for others less disdain and more loe, we soon gain ascendency. Fot at such moments we know how to find in ourselves the warmth which ends by softening the most resistant hearts." Emile Durkheim in "On Morality and Society."

That's why I'm here; that's why I choose sociology.

Wasting Daylight

Drinking My Fourth Pot of Coffee of the Day
Listening to Beullah
Waiting for Ben and Dan to get Back with Liqour
About to Order Pizza with Kira
BORED
8:18 pm
October 2, 2004

Wasting Daylight

Today, I have been a giant waste of carbon molecules. Maybe it's the fact that I got pretty trashed last night in about an hour, and felt hell-like this morning. Maybe it's a lack of drive to do my school work, maybe it's the strong nesting instinct I'm feeling know. Maybe it's a lot of things but the fact remains: today, I did nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I've filled the hours, but not in any meaninful sense. I had brunch with Matt, Will, and their cute friend Joel, and then walked to Blackstone to see Matt's new room. I did a load of laundry, cleaned my room a bit, and drank a lot of coffee. I'm going to celebrate kicking ass on the LSATs with Ben and Kira. I didn't kick any sort of ass today.

I GOT A JOB!! Yeah! I'm a rockstar! I interviewed at STRIVE tutoring Friday (no, i don't yet know what that stands for) and I really feel that that's the place for me to be. STRIVE Tutoring is a program that's been around for 16 years and reaches approximately 60 kids from first through twelth grade. I'm going to be doing a lot of logistical work such as making sure the tutors meet with their kids (most of the tutors are volunteers. Neato, huh?) and arranging for the proper pick-up with the van service. I'm also going to get to start new programs, such a theatre class! Plus, $12 an hour ain't bad! The people are uber nice and it's at 50th and Ellis. I think I'm going to like working there. It was kinda funny: I told them I'd let them know on Monday, when I'd heard back from all the other places, like I did at the Black Star Project. But, as I walked out of the building, I realized that this was the good job, the one I wanted. I didn't have to wait and be anxious anymore. It's so very nice to be employed.

I'm going to go find Kira and get on this pizza ordering, beer drinking shin-dig. Maybe tomorrow will be more productive. I don't think it can get more pointless then today.

Gainful Employment

Drinking Coffee
Waking up with Maroon 5
Wishing for Good Medicine
Damning my Back for Sucking
Not Even Getting Ready for Class Yet
9:50 am
October 1, 2004

Gainful Employment

Well, I got a job yesterday. I'm not sure if I'm going to accept it yet. I'm holding out for better things. Let start at the very beginning, it's a very good place to start. (Name that musical and I'll give you a quarter.)

Wednesday: I interviewed at the Franke Institute of Humanities. This is a well-endowed center located in the Reg. The hold conferences, siminars, speeches, roundtables and other sorts of events for mostly humanity faculty and graduate students. They hold their own events and facilitate events that the faculty wants to do. There are weekly events, as well as specially scheduled ones. What would I be doing? I'd be working with the other assistants to organize and execute these events. This ranges from calling people to attend, designing and putting up posters, to actually setting up the events and helping the speakers be comfortable. The good things about this job: my bosses are super nice, funny, warm ladies. I think the environment would be a pleasure. It's smack dab in the middle of campus, a mere 3 blocks from my house. The hours are flexable, and I wouldn't get bored, because there are so many diverese things going on there. Plus, I'd get tons of exposure to the faculty and the added perk of getting at attend all of these neato lectures and such. Pay: pretty sure it's at least $10 an hour. Not sure. They're going to let me know soon.

Thursday: I first interviewed at CAPS (Career and Placement Services) to be the Metcaff Application Assistant. What is that? The Metcaff internships program is a great things for people who are about to graduate. There are over 3,000 applicants from all over the world, appylying for 100 spots. I would be in charge of making sure all the applications, all the many stages, get processed in a timely, correcct fashion. Good things about this job: $10 an hour, great exposure to staff, looks kick ass on the resume, gives me the chance to create/run/organize a very large something (they just created this job this year.), and I'd get to work in other departments too. Bad side: it's in IDA, which is bum-fuck far away.

Then I interviewed at the Black Star Project. This is an organization that runs 15-odd programs that aim to close the education gap between black students and everywhere else. What I'd be doing is assundry office work. I'd be working in a basement with a really nice girl name Kirsten. Tasks would range from menial office work to soliciting phone calls, to organizing their lecture series, and starting a tutoring program. Pluses: good hours, lots of work to be done, chill environment, $12 hour. Minuses: ASS-FAR AWAY. There's a bus, but not from Maclean. It's a 20 minute walk, at least. And, I don't feel a huge calling to their cause. But at the same time, this is the type of thing that I want to do, on a larger corporate scale, after school. At least theoretically.

They offered me the job, and I told them I'd have to wait and see what I hear from everyone else. I mean, $12 hour is great, but I refuse to choose a job solely for money. I think I'd get much more pleasure, and less stress in general from either CAPS or the FIH. But, those people haven't offered me a job. YET.

Oh, and in my sneaky campaign to be house president, I'm taking a bunch of first-years to House of Sushi and Noodles. (Oh, how my heart gets all a flutter at just the thought. . . all you can eat amazing sushi for $10.95.) Then we're going to walk around Belmont. I figure, these kids are cool. At least the ones that are going are, and I'd like to get to know them better. And I want sushi. But, also, this is the kind of thing that House Presidents should do. Brian Ebling is running agintst me because he thinks it would be cool, whatever that means, not because he's interested in leading this house, in being a resource for other residents. I'm not stressing about it, but at the same time, I really do want to be house president. Don't get me wrong: Brian is one off my friends, he's great, and he's going to teach me to play poker (he's really REALLY good) but I think I'd make a better president. Time shall tell.

Oh, I have another job interview today. STRIVE tutoring. We'll see how this goes. Wouldn't it be cool/horrible if I got offered all four jobs?

Better get my ass in gear. Class in an hour and it's going to take lot LOT more coffee to get me going.