*Sigh

At Chez Moi
Drinking Ayse's Jack
Disjointed, Contradictory, Ehhh
Still Drinking Though
John Mayer Reassures Me that Love is an Option
October 19, 20004
12:43 am


*Sign

It's Monday and as seems par to the course, I'm looking for the fun, and while I find it, it leaves me in a confusing wonder. Ayse and Scott are heading towards disaster or something real; neither will tolerate any in-between. And me? I'm finishing the Jack that someone bought, with Ayse's money, because instinctively Mainzer knew what I wanted. Yet, I'm melancholy, angsty, and discomforted. So, maybe it's time to count my blessing.

I have wonderful, beautiful friends, on both sides of the continent.
I am getting an amazing opportunity to fufill my great aspirations towards Dorkdom.
Dad will always be there and and support me no matter what, and only wants me to be as happy as possible, trying my hardest, yet doing the best I can.
I have a home: Maclean House, 124. With Charmaine as momma, what more do I need?
I have a job that I do well, where I'm appreciated, and where I make money without ever thinking that that's why I do this. This organization will greatly benefit from me.
I'm healthy, and more fundamentally, I'm being given the opportunity to grow intellectually in all areas of my life. I’m taking an HTML class for the creative outlet side of me, yet learning more sociologically then ever before. And emotionally, I'm always growing, being pushed, evolving.

I'm learning to be honest, not only with the general public, but in the most intimate areas of my psyche.

"Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it.
Something's missing, and I don't know what it is.
No, I don't know what it is at all.

When Autumn comes, It doesn't ask
It just walks in, where it left you last
You never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart

"I can't be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design
I wish that I was over the context
Because loneliness
I feel loneliness
And I feel loneliness tonight.

Friends, check
Money, check
Well slept, check
Opposite sex, check
Guitar, check
Microphone, check
Messages waiting on me when I come home, check"

Damn, and all of a sudden, I'm a cliché. I never wanted to be one of those "Lonely 20 Somethings" and yet I am. I've been listening to the call my life's been issuing, the rhythm of a line of idle days, yet I still wander the great indoors alone. I love this territory, and in a sense, I need it as a sense of reality, but I can't find what I seek.

Some tell me that seeking is what makes it impossible. Could it be that all that seek only find others that seek? And once you've reached that point, you're not fully engrossed in being yourself, in living your life, but are caught up in the game of hide and seek, of show and tell, or To Date or Not to Date. That is the question.

And all of a sudden, I find myself in a hormone-strewn world I vainly hoped to never see again, and I am lost in a sea of angst. My pulse is proof that I am listening to the call my life has been issuing, but at what point do I reach justification?

"I refuse to believe my life is nothing but a string of incompletes."

I'm sure there's a theory I could spout now: Merton, Durkheim, Simmel, Levi-Strauss, Weber, Churchill if I looked hard enough, but the fact still remains: the extreme satisfaction in one facet of my life serves to not only compel me towards realization, but only makes the lack of fulfillment sharper where it most blatantly lacks.

"No one wants to be alone at Christmas time"

How many new resolutions lay ahead of me before I'm safe till St. Patrick's Day?

I shouldn't make is seem like I had a bad weekend, because that is by no means true. Yet, my Monday orientation is a little unclear. Not enough school to point it that way. Not enough others to redirect my course. And, as I am prone to do, I turn inwards. Am I silly? Am I off base? Probably, but it still feels all-enthralling, and until it does not so feel, at its mercy am I.

Goddamnit. I'm taking an HTML class tomorrow as part of my quest to better myself -- blog beautification, here I come. Only downside is that this free class is at 9:00 tomorrow morning. This will be rough, but I'm a rock star.

Chin up young person. I'm gonna found out just how boring I am, and have a good time. Now it's the new thing, down with the old me. Time for munchies, liquor, and the absence of cuddling, but the hope of better days.