I Want to Go Home

My Horrible Chair
Jamin' with the Jam Band Shuffle
Post Harry Potter II
In Lots of Pain
12:07 am
Thursday, October 7, 2004


I Want to Go Home

Imagine if you will, myself, sitting in Sociology, eating a cookie, learning about Durkheim. (I heart Durkheim.) So, my back starts to hurt. No big deal, right? This happens all the time, no huge thing.

Then I go numb and tingly across the shoulders.
And my hands go numb.
Shootings pains running up and down my back.

At this point, I'm gripping the sides of my desk, trying not to throw up.

Lightheaded.
Tunnel Vision.
Colored spots across my narrow field of vision.

I can feel myself start to lose my grip on consciouness. I spend last ten minutes of class repeating in my head:
Do not pass out.
Do not pass out.
Don't throw up.
Stay with me.
Don't pass out.
Don't pass out.

Class ends, I ask the kid next to me to use his wireless internet to find me the number for the student care center. I place a pained call, they tell me to be there as soon as possible. I called work and told Jerry I couldn't come on my first day: I had to go to the hospital.

I get there, tell the doctor my history, and she gives me IB Profen. I'm taking the equivalent of 24 advils a day, and it's not doing squat. She also gave me muscle relaxors so I can sleep.

It still hurts to exist.

She, Dr. Blackstone, sent me to get x-rays of my neck and spine. I probably have a slipped disk, possibly degerative; I may need back surgury. I may have an unstable spine.

I had to go back to the doctor for my yearly woman's health visit, and they thought I had an irregular heartbeat. I had an EKG, and it showed up fine. But, if i get where I think I'm going to pass out again, I'm probably going to have to wear an EKG for 24 hours.

I almost passed out in the shower today.
And in French.

I'm going to call tomorrow to see if they have my x-rays back, and I'm going to ask them to give me better drugs.

I can't concentrate.
I can't read.
Walking hurts.
Sitting hurts.
Sleeping hurts.
I'm tired all the time.
I'm behind in my classes.
I'm lonely.

I've been dealing with a huge case of the Mean Reds, and I'm scared.

I miss my dad.
I miss my mom.
I miss Lauren.
I miss Eric.
I miss Adam.
I miss Jaynie.
I miss Bryan.
I miss Steph.
I miss home.

Home where the heart is, where the grass is always greener, where the sun always shines. This is home too in a way I never thought possible. But being miles from my family, the people who knew me when, is really hard. Especially when everything is so uncertain, confusing, painful. I just want to visit, sit for a spell. Don't get me wrong, I don't belong there. But everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes, and no place is better for that then home. I want to go home.