Uncontained

Work
9:19 am
Friday, July 29, 2005

Uncontained.

I'm not doing so well, mentally that is. I realized today that my life has made a perfect metaphor to paralel the noise in my head.

You see, I keep a rather large amount of shit in my car, 95% of which is highly useful. 3 Cd cases, paper towels, tool box, caboodle of necessity, incense, blanket, festivus, etc etc. (The Caboodle of Necessity is filled with band-aids, deoderent, cards, pencils, plastic bags, tape, markers, matches, safty pins, etc etc.)

Now the problem with these highly useful things as if that some of them have taken to sliding around on the floor boards of my car. Thanks to the fantastically utilitarian design of my vehicle, the floorboards are covered in durable plastic, no carpet, and the back is elevated about two inches from the front, the seats are high as well. Result: the CoN and the toolbox slide around, under the seats, across the back, eventually slamming into the back of my seat.

At first it was innoccous. Randoms slides every once in a while. Since Detroit, it's been getting worse. Last weekend, it was pretty constant, and Alii laughed at me saying that if I don't do something (bungee cords?) then the tool box is going to burst open, spraying sprockets everywhere.

Now, they slide every where, spawning other loud things that slam around startling me. Metaphorically, the same is true in my head.

Does that mean that I'm about to flip my shit, spewing the sprockets of my life all over the place, spending the next month trying to gather myself? My mom's idea of putting carpet down to quite the noise being medication, Alii's suggestion of bungee cords has yet to produce it's metaphorical other in real life, but I'm waiting.

I'm having an existential crises of sorts. No the type that would make Nietzche or Jeremy proud. About to flip my shit, in other words? I'm almost too anxious to drive, not really eating, trouble concentrating. All the classic signs. I had to stop this morning for both coffee and cigarettes to strap myself more securly to the earth. Momentarily, I was afraid I'd slip through the cracks in the universe.

Mostly though, it's lonliness. Deep seeded, bone-numbing, heart-wrenchingly alone. The kind of thing that would have put me in bed crying were I in high school, but now makes me stoic. I won't cry now with out 1) a reason, 2) the next step figured out. Now? Well now I don't know. Reread "Franny and Zoe" for the 84th time? Whiskey? The beach? Spending money? Painting? Jumping into some manic as quickly as possible in hopes to leave this behind in exchange for crazy?

No.

How did this happen? What brought me here? The magic of theater. We had our performance for the musical theater camp I'm teaching at last evening. Alii was there all day, ran our lights, and as I told her afterwards, if it weren't for her, I'd be lost on so many different levels. It was her birthday too, only she didn't tell me. (She doesn't celebrate them. I took her to Keller earlier this year to celebrate her existence, so it's all good.) But friendship, no matter how strong, or how sweet isn't the same.

But after the bows, and the cheers, and the intense dose of theater crack that comes from a show, I realized I was alone. Summer Linkers came, God bless them for it, and co-worker congradulated me, children hugged me, I went to the bar.

There wasn't someone who was there just to watch me, just to see my work, be proud of my successes, clapping for me, loving me, standing with me through the parent introductions, hugging me afterwards, letting me light up their life.

The problem: I'm losing hope. Lauren finds love over hundreds of miles, via the telephone, and all I get is voicemail.

Too [Blank] to [Blank]

Office
Sick
Sleepy
9:44 am
Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Too [Blank] to [Blank]

It has been too hot to function lately. Seriously. I don't have air conditioning, and it's been in the 100s. Yuck. I spent the weekend sitting down, doing as little as possible, making sure that my skin was in no way in contact with any other skin, my own included. It's been miserable.

I'm too sore/yucky to function properly. I think I'm getting ill. My back's been hurting really badly for the past few days -- I had to leave work early yesterday -- and that's a pretty good indicator that I'm getting ill. Especially now, as the soreness has spread all over my body. Concentration is hard and I'm kinda nauseated. Woo hoo.

Other then that life's fine, I guess. Still lonely, though it's good to have Alii back. I fear the Tall-Blond Biochemist is falling off the planet, or consciously shutting me out of his life, or both. And I feel silly for feeling that way. And it's hot, and my back hurts.

Too insecure to wait/trust/hope/dream?

Too young to date me?
I bought a drum this weekend, where I got hit on by the dude at the music store. Swear to God, he goes "So, care if I call you in a couple of days and see how that drum's working out for you?" Smooth. Does that line work? I think Alii would laugh herself retarded if he actually calls, which I doubt he will. I'm guessing he's just out of high school, moved to the burbs to get away from the parents, and has no idea what he's about. I could be wrong, but probably not. We'll see when he calls won't we?



I'm so very close to finishing Bryan's painting -- so watch the mail. It's pretty bling-tastic if I don't say so myself. Next, Eric's.

Ehhck. I have to go sing with kids. If only they knew that it hurts to exist. At least we have air at work.

Home Alone!

Work
Kinda Bored
Soon to be Cat Free!
1:55 pm
Monday, July 18, 2005

Home Alone!

After throwing a fit to Alii on Friday, Katherine has agreed to take the kittens. Thank goodness! I just cannot deal anymore. I'll miss Sappho, but God in Heaven will it be lovely to breathe properly in my own home again.

This weekend was pretty chill. I went to Michigan but we didn't sail. The weather refused to cooperate, so I read Harry Potter on their couch all weekend. Lovely lovely. While I would of done practically the same thing had I been home, it was nicer to do it there, be taken care of, do laundry, and sleep in the air conditioning.

My mother and I get along better now. I think that a large part of it is that I know where I'm going in my life now, which I didn't when I was in high school. Don't get me wrong: there are still many parts of who I am that I keep hidden from her as I'm 99% she'll judge me for it, but things are no longer the horribleness they were for so long. No deep intellectually or emotional discussions, but no yelling either.

I had a rather profound realization on the drive there too, which was much needed. I've become too content in my life, to okay with my sitution. I've got things sweet, I'm not going to lie, but I let that sweep me into idleness. Not allowed on my life long quest for betterment. Don't get me wrong: many, most areas of my life are continuing to truck along, getttin better all the time. It's the personally, internal betterment that's been stalling out. What have I been doing personally, inside, to make myself a better friend, citizen, person? Not a damn thing actively. Yes, I am being bettered, learning, growing thanks to Summer Links, but I haven't been taking personal stock, putting forth extra effort, activly striving.

It reminds me of Erik B. this Spring Quarter. His personal goal was to be better hydrated that quarter, and succeed he did. He told me that sometimes you have to achieve small goals, but important goals, and I completly agree.

So here I am, driving along, making personal goals. And I think it worked. Good times.

Other then that, not a lot going on. I'm cooking for 35 people Wednesday night, so that's something to prepare for. Tasty Southern Food. I miss Alii, as she's in Portland, and am SO DAMN HAPPY TO HAVE THOSE GOD FORSAKEN CATS OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Word.

Harrumph

My Office
Anxious to Leave for Training
Hungry
Ehhck
10:59 am
Friday, July 15, 2005

Harrumph

I'm just in a pretty foul mood right now, for which there are various reason, which I will outline below.

1. My house smells like cat shit.
2. I'm in all sorts of financial durress.
3. I'm going to visit my mom.
4. I'm hungry.
5. I'm lonely

What am I going to do about all this you ask?

1. I emailed Alii and told her that I can't handle the cats. Just can't do it. And now that they're getting older, they're going to add their own stink, and I won't stand for. I'm not a cat person, and I refuse to live in a house that reeks of cat piss. No thanks you. I'm standing my ground. Yes, they're cute, but I'd rather live in a house not full of cat hair, my ruined furniture, and piss.
2. Not sure yet. Calling Dad tonight to talk to him about it. I think I'm going to get charged another late fee for U of C, and the state of the dollar against the Euro is frightening. I'm making enough money to live on, kinda. Hospital bills and University bills are eating my lunch. My mom's helping, but I can't ask my dad for money he doesn't have.
3. I refuse to be bullied by her. She changed her story a bit and told me I could only bring one person to visit her, and I had invited three, so I'm bringing no one. If all else fails, I'll just sleep all weekend in a house that doesn't smell of cats.
4. I will be procurring food when I leave here. Tasty.
5. Not sure. Fill my house with Summer Linkers? Bed another Republican? More info to come.

More later.

OMG!

So, I just read a note on Facebook from a dear friend of mine. She's the little sister of someone I grew up with, and I'm happy to hear from her. She's at Baylor, and I fear she may be becoming a glitter bitch. Her message was like, OMG! ya know, awesome. Then, I checked her facebook groups.

She's in a group called, "Future Trophy Wives of America."

What's the world coming to?

Just Get Off the Train and. . .

My Cubical
Work
About to go Teach Musical Theater
Back = pain
2:35 pm
Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Just Get Off the Train and. . .

This weekend was fantastic. Friday, I had another bi-partisan clash, of sorts. What is it with me and general entanglement with ridiculously conservative republicans? A catholic no less!! There's something strangely entertaining about being a walking paradigm. Oh jeez. Yea, I'm ridiculous.

Saturday, I went for a trip in the city. Basically, I just wandered around. I woke up and had cake for breakfast, talked to Adam for 3 hours (Weird, I know, I don't normally do the phone. This was nice. If I can't see him, I can at least now what's going on in his life. I love him so.) Early afternoon hits, and I'm raging to get out of the apartment, so we all head downtown. Wander, wander, wonder,wander. I was pretty self contained, except for the part when I skipped through the Metra station hollaring "Scrumptious Potassium." Good times were had by all.

Sunday, I slept. Really, I slept till noon, took a nap from 3-6, and went to bed at 10:30. It was brillant.

Monday, we decided to go to the dunes. Since I had brought presents for Alii, and I have my 4th of July tradition of mind expansion, we decided to head out of the city. Evan and Amy told us to take the train, and just get off at the Warren Dunes stopped. Here we go, out of our minds, becoming uncontained on the train, laughing laughing laughing. Then we get off the train, and realize we have no idea where we are, and there's not lake in sight. I think we expected to step off the train directly onto a dune, but that's not how it happened. We don't even know the cardinal directions at this point, because we'd never taking the South Shore line before, and the lake isn't always East in Indiana. So, we start walking down the road, towards a sign that says, "Visitor Center, 3 miles." We soon tire of walking on the road, so we head off on a trail through the woods. Hiking, hiking. It was pretty fantastic. About 3 hours, 5 miles later, we emerge at the visitor center, still very very happy. A ranger gives us a ride to the shore, since we looked a bit out of it. Turns out we were a mile from the lake when we got off the train, only we went the wrong way. We came unhinged when we got the lake. Jumping, running, laughing, swimming for hours. It was as if we had been trapped in a watercolor painting, as the sun set, and the water was teal-blue. Georgeous.

Needless to say, it was a fantastic day. Now my back's paying the price, I'm exhausted, and hungry. But it was worth it.

Off to sing with kids. Yea! My life rocks.