Signs of Impending Dhoom

1. increased back lameness
2. irritability
3. weird spotty vision
4. feeling like I'm getting a cold
5. withdrawl from all
6. inability to concentrate fully
7. more sleep need due to physical weariness
8. less food consumed
9. more cigerettes
10. inability to handle people -- needing to be alone
11. jaw tightness
12. chewing holes in my checks
13. wating more psychic space
14. wating more physical space too
15. old memories slamming into my head unbidden, unwanted
16. unspecified self-loathing
17. wanting to throw myself into oncoming traffic, a wall, etc.

Oh, and I have atypical cells on my uterus.

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Yea. Best spam ever.

Screw you AND Stedman too, Oprah

My Momma's House
ASS-EARLY
Why do old people not sleep? WHY?
About to go to the mall
And therefore filled with dread
10:07 am
Saturday, January 21, 2006

Screw You AND Stedman too, Oprah

I'm going to keep this short or my mom's head will pop off because she's sooo anxious for us to be on our way to the Riverview Mall. Things I didn't miss about America: malls filled with overweight unhappy people and their whiney-ass kids. But, I need a pair of jeans, so venture forth.

Things are pretty good here. It's as if by magically turning 21 Mom has decided to fully value my opinion. It's pretty sweet. We stayed up late (by her standards) and talked about who I might have been had we done ________: stayed in Dallas, been religious, been born in Tyler, etc. And for once, I din't get raging drunk as soon as I got here. I was too sleepy, but Mom helped me out there and drank two glasses of wine for my every one. You know who's a silly drunk? My mother. Not Marie PH silly, but pretty damn entertaining nonetheless.

Joseph cut out an article for me from USA Today saying that people with an MBA start out earning $88,000. He so wanted Daniel to go to Business School, but he's not suited. (He's much happy in the Yukon, scouting old Indian trials with his girlfriend. So if someone ever asks "What exactly do you do with a degree in Geography?" now you know.) I'm rather flattered that he's so excited about my future. Me? I'm going to try to make it through the quarter first hopefully. Today I need to talk to him about investing. I heart Joseph.

So, everything's all super duper family-tastic until I go to bed. After searching this entire house for a highlight (I know! ME! How on Earth did I make it here without at least 1 highlighter?) I settled into bed to read something edifying for school. But no. Instead I started reading Oprah magazine.

Guess which edition? Valentine's Day. Dr. Phil says I'm the type of woman men love, while Oprah has no idea what to do.

Then, I just laid down and cried.

Things I Should Say, Vol. II

Razor
MF'in EARLY
4 1/2 hours of sleep is pretty goddamn unacceptable
Oh the U of C
Excessive cursing is a side effect of sleep deprivation
Grad Classes are for Lovers? No, for those who hate sleep.
Ehhck.
7:39 am
Friday, January 20, 2006

Things I Should Say, Vol. II

1. You are amazing and I'm feel so lucky to know you. You said I'd still have a home, and you were true to your word. Goddamn you rock my mf'in face off. The late-night snack fairy is a goddamn good cook.

2. Things were a bit weird at Christmas, I know. Why? I can't say, but know that I love you and am constantly thankful that you are in my life. You ever think about some of the odd ways we're rather alike, I mean besides the obvious being-amazing-bad-ass-rockstars-out-to-conquor-the-
world-while-at-the-same-time-always-managing-to-look-spectacular thing?

3. I missed you. Thanks for believing in my ability without drawing attention to the fact that I'm scared shitless. I deeply appreciate your love and support. And your hair is pretty bangin' too.

4. Nope. Went to Europe and you're still creepy as hell and I'm not sure what to do about that. You just make me goddamn uncomfortable and I'm pretty sure that's your fault.

5. Why did a large section of our social circle start sleeping with you? Why, God, why? EWW. I don't think you're good for her. At all. And I worry. My loyalties lie with her.

6. Too bad your new "girlfriend" is lame. I just don't like her: she's not classy. Nor very interesting.

7. Things that can go camping: you. I'm not sure where you came from, but please stay. We might be just what the other needs.

8. I can't wait for the day when you realize your own awesome personal power and become such a powerful, inspiring women that we are all blow away. Not that you aren't so already, I just think we ain't seen nothing yet.

9. Is she really what you want? Or are you afraid to not get what you want while at the same time stepping outside of your comfort zones? You do not get to go camping.

10. Remember that one time, in Europe? I love you! Without you I'd be barefoot and pregnant.

11. So, you're discovered that in fact, you are a sexual being. Woot! Now the hard part: please don't sell out. Or talk about it in my presence. Ever. Oh, and let them be. She's not for you.

12. Hooray! You're slowly starting to become your own person again! I'm not sure I believe it, but I hope it's true. You've saved my life on multiple occassions. It's not fair, nor very nice for you to just disappear like that.

13. Just because I haven't seen anyone seriously in ten months, don't assume I'm gay. I'M NOT GAY!!!! Jesus Christ women. I'M NOT GAY NOR IS ANYONE I'M SEXUALLY INTERESTED IN. NO, THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN ALII AND I. You know why? BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY. I know you're disappointed that I'm not farther along on that whole finding-someone-who'll-
support-me-because-we-all-know-I'm-incompetent thing, but give me a break. I'm still young. Honestly, there are secrets I'm keeping from you, but that's not it.

14. I want to get to know you better -- I feel that that could be good for both of us. Too bad your girlfriend can't decide whether to get up in the morning without someone else's opinion. Yea, it makes you (ya'll) hard to be around and that's a damn shame.

15. You've gotten a lot healthier, grown, having gone through a lot recently. I'm sorry I wasn't here for all of it and always will be. I should have been there for you more then just on AIM. I am so proud of you. Yet, you still lie to yourself, and I still try to tell you the truth, and you still shut your eyes. But, that's what I'm here for, right? On another note, STOP COCK-BLOCKING ME.

16. You are amazing. I deeply respect, apprecaite, and look-up to you and am so touched that you might possibly feel the same. I have a lot to learn about you and from you. Sorry to be a bitch sometimes. I really admire you but I'm also addicted to personal space and gnome time. Don't ever think it's something about you. You're a keeper.

17. I fear that you're a sad human being now. I haven't known you since I was 17, and after an unsuccessful text-message flurrie to attempt to have lunch, you're now sending me stupid "Friends are Special" chain emails? Please.

18. Oh you. Sunday would have been our birthday. Did you remember? I found what you wrote me on my 18th birthday, and what I wrote after we found our love. You fucking bastard.

19. I hope you're still a fat, ugly, uninspiring, stupid bitch without a high school degree, doomed to forever work at Jack in the ox. In this case, I won't take the higher road. You can have him, but no, I don't wish you happiness you filthy cunt. I was the love of his life, and the catch of a lifetime you dirty whore.

20. I love you but worry. Please figure your shit out. It's supposed to be the other way around ya know? It's scary to see the adult "role models" in my life fail on some pretty fundamental levels. Especially you. You're my hero.

21. Too bad you're only good at sex. That's a crying shame.

The Towns People Rejoice: It's NOT Chillable Red

The Reg
A-Level
je fait un ecriture en francais.
boo.
seemingly lacking a point
sleepy, possibly sick
waiting for the other shoe to drop
10:51 pm
18 January 2006

The Towns People Rejoice: it's NOT Chillable Red

I did not miss the Reg. Nope. Swear to God. And now I'm here again, and it's sad. I'm writing a response on the book I "read" for my French lit class -- Manon Lescaut. Sure, I read the whole thing. Yea, exactly.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, I have lost my spark, drive, motivation. One or all of these things have disappeared from my life and it's making it rather difficult to do anything.

And he made me tremble that one time. That's rather difficult to deal with too. Oh gee.

So, what do I do? Finally succumb to the insidious voice cajoling me in the back of my head: fuck it, just get drunk. It'll be so much easier. Come on. Close up on Lauren and I at the Reg: cube of wine on the table, shoes off, drinking like the rockstars we are. (Merlot. Thank you Katherine for showing me that there is descent wine that comes in convenient packaging.), Two wine glasses and academic achievements abound. No quite Paris, mais il faut que je survive.

I woke up this morning clutching Durkheim to my breast as I've taken to sleeping with a pile of books occupying the opposite side of the Nestivus. Yes, I am that cool and popular. Fast forward to lunch with Stefan.

"I'm not sure whether to be comforted or moderately Freaked the FUCK OUT by all this."
" Yea, it's cool. I've done that. I mean, why worry? Just stick to your books, hold them close to you when the night is cold. There's no need to let real people in your life. They'll just leave you. Durkheim will never leave you."
"Thanks Stef. That's exactly where I was trying not to go. "
"I had to go there didn't I?"

Yes, I guess you did.

At Least if School Doesn't Work Out, I can Legally Become an Alcoholic

ggrrrrrr.
9:16 am

Last night, around 11:00 pm, I realized that I'd left my super wonderful book (that I was 2 chapters into, sadly) for my Graduate class, "Religion as a Philosophy of the Mind" somwhere on campus. Damnassshitfuckingsonofabitch. My plan was going to be to read that hoe all night, but no.

This morning, I got up in time for class, even thought it's my birthday, but left the house 15 minutes late. And it's raining. Obviously, it's time to drive. Oh, but no. There are NO PARKING SPOTS ON CAMPUS. None. Zilch. Nada. Class: denied.

Being late, or not doing the reading, sure. But both, and on my birthday, I don't think so. Time to email the proffessor and pledge my undying love, I mean, tell him I'm sick and going to office hours. Become a pandering academic whore, basically. It can't be that bad though: he looks like Trey.

So, I've come home to eat chocolate covered strawberries and drink Shiner. Sometimes when you win, you lose. I have faith that things must go up from here. I mean, from now on I can just get drunk. That's sure to solve all my problems.

I Heart UCSC

Dear XXXXX,

My name is Amelia Valdez and I am a Program Assistant at the University Community Service Center (UCSC). I am writing to invite you to be a panel member for "Faith and Science: Intersections in Everyday Life." This discussion is one of a series hosted by UCSC exploring issues of interest on campus and their impact in Chicago's communities.

The aim of "Faith and Science" is to look more closely at places in everyday life where the seemingly incompatible worlds of scientific knowledge and doctrines of faith collide. As science increases our knowledge about the nature of the world around us, how does one reconcile these emerging facts with faith and a religious life? Since your work brings you into contact with this issue frequently, we hope you will provide could provide insight, opinions and advice based on your own experiences. In the discussion, we will focus on issues like the teaching of evolution, advances in medical technology, death and dying, environmentalism and other issues as they are dealt with by working adults in the real world, outside the theoretical sphere of a university classroom

The discussion will be held in the South Lounge of the Reynolds Club at 5706 S. University Avenue on January 25th, 2006 from 6:30 to 8:00 pm. We are expecting an audience of approximately 40-50 students, staff, and faculty. In addition to yourself, we are inviting 3-4 others whose work deals with both these realms, including journalists, educators, and medical chaplains. Our aim is to foster dialogue among participants and panelists; as such we'd love to have you share your perspective for approximately 10 minutes, followed by a moderated discussion. In our experiences, this format provides an opportunity to both share the expertise and experience of practitioners and allow for in-depth dialogue. I hope that you will be able to participate and share you knowledge with our community. If you have any questions, would like more information, or would like to confirm your attendance please feel free to email me at mia.valdez@gmail.com or call myself or David Hays, UCSC's Assistant Director at 773-753-4483. I sincerely hope you will accept our invitation to become a panelist.

Thank you for your time,

Amelia Valdez

And the Song Remains the Same

My Living Room
Thank you Razor!
Class at 4:30
"i see the path in ahead of me. In a minute I'll be free. You'll be splashing in the sea. We'll hear a tiny cry as a ship goes slidding by. Frreeeeeeeee." -- Phish

I find it quite shocking how easily my life comfortably slides back into place. It's as if I can actually hear tiny clicking noises as each delicate section of the Mental Construct That is My Life snaps securely into place. Or as if an orchestra were tuning, all searching for that mysterious A when, suddenly! -- out of nowhere the discord lifts and the note sings out, pregnant with harmony, overtones and deepth.

The song remains the same, but remember: like any good Phish song, there are some versions that are danker then others. And this jam my friend: quite danktrillesent.

There are still some sections that could use a bit of extra practice -- we're getting around to that. Overall, it's amazing to be back. Comforting, disturbing, enlightening to find myself almost seemlessly, stubornly flowing back into it all. Only more so now it seems, armed with a deeper appreciation for what it means to be fully me, having experienced several complete expansions and contractions of my entire life singurly and simulateously.

"floating in the brink a lot. feel the feeling I forgot. feel free."