I Knew I didn't Trust Clowns. . .

OH MY GOD!
6:54 pm
Tuesday, November 30, 2004

So, Elissa told me this, and she heard about it pretty first hand: it happened, seriously happened, to her friend's girlfriend.

This girl sometimes babysits for a family, and when she does, she spends the night. She goes to babysit, and spends a normal evening reading, watching movies, etc. It's bedtime.

She goes to the room she sleeps in, and notices a rather larger, really creepy clown doll in a chair. She decides not to think about it, undressses, and gets into bed. There, she has a dream that this creepy clown doll gets up out of the chair and starts to come towards her. She wake up and notices that the clown doll has fallen out of the chair.

Tired of the creepiness, she gets up and calls the parents. They're a little anal about stuff in the house, and she wants to make sure it's okay if she moves said clown doll.

"Hey. It's me. I was wondering if you'd mind if I moved that creepy clown doll into a closet or something for the evening. It's freaking me out, and I can't sleep."
"Oh MY GOD! Get the kids and get out of the house NOW!"

Turns out, a midget had escaped from the local mental institute and was dressed as a clown doll, sneaking into people's houses and watching them undress. She fleed the house, with the children, called the police and they collected the crazy clown midget.

The truly creepy thought is; what if she hadn't called before attempting to move said creepy clown doll/midget. Then it moves, talks, etc. I would have passed out, and would now be in need to serious phyciatric aide.

Ohh this is freaky. See? Urban legends come from somewhere. I want to look in newpapers (the girl goes to school somewhere in Indiana) and see if I can find a report.

I'm kinda freaed out and I've been telling people in the dorm. Will said, "Don't worry. Any insane clown midgets that escape in Chicago would freeze before they made it to Maclean. They're too tiny to withstand the chill."

Spread the word.

Thanksgiving Thoughts, Birthday Wishes

My Room
Smelling the Tasty Smell of Coffee
Oh! I have Caroline's too!
"You're about to get cut up, cut down." Ahh I heart Jason Mraz
Watching the Two Cutest Fish Ever
Actually Going to Bio. . .
Remarkably, awake
Renewed, rejuvenated, reenergized
SOOO Happy to be Home
12:27 pm
Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Thanksgiving Thoughts, Birthday Wishes

Oh glorious break, it's soo good to be back.

Let's start with the fact that we weren't in Milwaukee proper, but Wawautosa. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it. It was such good times. Ayse's grandparents are genuinely nice people, with big hearts, and like all grandparents, they force feed people younger then themselves. Damn, did we eat a lot. And watch a lot of TV.

Thursday we went for a truly lovely walk through this wooded area by a river, and there were trains, crisp fall air, good conversation, and Cigarettes! We watched "Gone with the Wind" and both proved that we're seen that movie more times then is probably healthy. We feasted on T-Bone steak, mashed potatoes, and the best jello salad ever. I don't even like jello salad, but this, this was phenomenal. My dad called me and the rest of the family played hot potato with the phone. I talked with everyone there in less then five minutes. I really missed them. I missed the way Tyler smells in the fall, although it's not really cold. I missed finishing eating and going out to see all the people you didn't necessarily miss. I missed being home. My Grandma gave my dad a talking to for not talking to her: she would have given him money to fly me home. And she will next year, in fact she demands my presence. Yea! I love my Grandma. I told her that I was at least with someone's grandparents, if I couldn't be with my own. She like that.

Friday we walked to Gilley's. They have custard here, but no snow cones. It's thicker, creamer ice cream. Gilley's is quite a ways away, but it was completely worth the trek. Football. We watched a shitload of football. And did work, in our own defense.

Saturday we found a Starbucks. That made me miss my Daddy as well, but the coffee was yummy. Again, Ayse treated me because she's my secret girlfriend. That evening, Ayse's grandmother's house was invaded by second cousins, aunts, uncles, and other assorted relatives. So, they had a bunch of beer, and Ayse and I, of course, started drinking it. Turns out we were the only ones in imbibe, got a little tipsy, and generally hid from scary Paul, and joked with Jan and John. And ate lots of cheese. It was fun.

It's nice to see that all families are the same to some extent. After everyone left, we all ended up in the kitchen gossiping about everyone. Which is exactly what happens in my family too, only in Spanish. It was good times. I told Ayse that one of her aunts (?) speaks rather assertedly for someone of her intellect. The whole family agreed that I'd hit that right on the nose. And while Paul is scary, he sounds like Kermit the frog from the other room.

We went to the Turkish store on the way home -- Tasty! And then got here and decided to get drunk. Well, not quite.

We need to wax various parts of our anatomy. Various sensitive parts of our anatomy. So, we decided that we need to liquid anesthetize. Cafe Chardonnay, here we come. We burned a CD, stole the stereo out of the kitchen, warned Andrew of our impending screams, opened the bottle of wine Ayse's grandmother had given us, and commenced the torture. JESUS H CHRIST WAS THAT PAINFUL, POINTLESS, AND AGONIZING. Alii followed the sounds of our screams and joined us later. Once done, we drank another bottle of wine. I was so drunk, at about 4 in the afternoon. . I eventually passed out at around seven. Woke up, had some Mac n cheese, and got drunk all over again. Did you know that Turkish cherry juice tastes sooo good when mixed with any alcohol? Yeah, word.

And then Kenneth came home. Yes, yes. I'll admit it: I missed the kid. Ayse and I analyzed it to it's complete and total end, and I therefore refuse to do it again here, but let it suffice to say that I did miss him, and not just for his male presence. So there. And, he might be joining me in the land of whiskey and sunshine for New Years, as might Alii! Hooray!

Happy Birthday Scott Hanson! You have yet again, survived another year on this fantastic planet. Thanks for making the little one happy. That being said, you hurt her in the long run, and I will fucking kill you. No, as I told Ayse, for some odd reason, you guys make sense. Strange, convoluted, absurd sense, but sense none the less. She's wearing a skirt today, for you, we put ourselves through immense pain, her part inspired for you, and hunny, she's quite smitten, in case you missed that. Scott's a good guy, and I'm glad that through Ayse, he's a more a part of my life then before. Maybe I met you as part of ScottandTrina, but now I think I like you better as your own independent person, who just happens to be dating my best friend does. Happy Birthday. When are we catering your party with leftover Bartlett money?

The best part of this weekend was getting to spend time with Ayse, to talk of important things, very unimportant things, and all the junk in-between. I am constantly amazed at how insightful she is, how full of love, how willing to help. This trip was such a good idea, and such a nice, laid back, good time.

Now I must away to continue with this crazy week. I have a final and a paper due tomorrow. Have I started either, or even started getting ready for either? No. But, I'm going to biology, and then to a review session for Sign Language (aka: what I have the midterm in) and then it's Paper Time: closely akin to hammer time.

Four Page ASL Paper Due Friday.
Neuro Sci final next Tuesday.
Sociology papers (2 short -- 4 page -- papers) due next Friday.

Then, in 11 DAYS I return to whence I came -- the land of central air and heat, deulies, big hair, cream gravy, where whiskey flows, where people use pet names usually involving some sweet substance and food (hunny pie, sugar bear, baby cakes, sughar, dahrlin. .) where when someone asks how you're doing, they mean it. Where y'all is king. Where I belong. I'm ready to go Home.

Difficult

My Room
Singing "La Vie Boheme"
Getting Ready for MIlwaukee
About to Chill with Alii
9:06 pm
Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Difficult

Things are going to be a bit difficult for a while. In typical Mom fashion, my mother has cut off my cell phone. Because God knows she can't handle herself in an adult like manner. Whatever.

My dad called me and told me and said, "We're not going to let her stop you from accomplishing the things you want to or from being who you are. Don't worry. We'll figure it all out."

I love my Daddy. I feel so grateful that not only do I know him, get to learn from him, but he's my father.

I Love Bryan. He's such a resourceful, intelligent, well-rounded guy. Caring, considerate, funny, and damn doesn he know how to have fun.

I love Eric. When you become friends with Eric, he's your friend for life. Such an understanding, witty, insightful person. And he's always willing and wanting to learn from everyone around him. I really respect that. And he too, also knows very well how to have fun.

I love Lauren. She full of life, love, spirit. She has the biggest hearf of anyone I know. So much faith in people. And she's crazy and brillent in the best ways possible.

I love Ayse. She's insightful beyone measure, not to mention talented. She's passionate, and unafraid to throw herself into things full throtle. And she's always up for a good time. And I like Scott. I don't know him well, but he's certainly fabulous, epathic, and stiingingly witty. I approve.

I love Alii. She has such an amazing joie de vie, She's so genuine, wise beyond her years and with such a compassionate demeanor. Also opinionated, out spoken and the best kind of spontaneous.

I have love in my heart of Kenneth. He's silly, and caring, thoughtful and well, he has those dimples. Sometimes, he looks at me and something in me glows. It's nice.

These people are my support system, these people are my life.

Things have been a little rough around here, and these people have all sprung into action in the best ways imaginable. I didn't get to see bunnies, but everyone came to my aid. My life is going to be a little bit difficult, but I think I can handle it. I have these people, and I myself am incrediably resourceful.

Anywho, tomorrow I'm going to Milwaukee, I'm drinking wine, watching West Wing and I've got Caroline's waiting for me in the morning. Life is good. Thank you all.

Ps. Going to Milwaukee, WI tomorrow, so if I don't get to say it again, happy Thanksgiving. Oh, and that link is amazing.

"Take time to give thanks, take time to be given."

Fishies!

My Room
Drinking Coffee
Writing outline for Sociology
Sleepy. . . and I can't blame it on Kenneth
10:03 am
Monday, November 22, 2004

Fishies!

So, Kenneth and I went a little crazy at the pet store. Let it suffice to say that I am now the proud owner of a five gallon fish tank, with filter, a gargoyle bedecked arch, an underwater plant, and two of the cutest fish ever.

May I introduce Sir. Albion Woodbury Small, the II, and Mr. Albert Abraham Michelson Jr. We have socially progressive fish -- they're life partners. They reside in the Sir. Leopold Schwiggins Memorial Aquarium. Why the fantastic names?

Albion Small was the founder of the Chicago School of Sociology and the first head of the department. Albert Michelson was the first head of the physics department and the first person to correctly measure the speed of light. I think. He did something important for physics, I know that much. I let Kenneth name him, so sue me for not paying that much attention to the details. Albion is orange, black, and white calico with mostly black fins. Albert is black with a shiney belly and big, puffy eyes. He's mostly blind, so he'll come nibble on your finger because he thinks it's food.

Yes, I love my fish very much. They bring me much joy, which I think was Kenneth's point.

Only three days of school then Milwaukee! I'm actually excited about this. It's been a long time since I got to spend that much time with Ayse, plus I'm never been to Wisconsin. Hooray for Thanksgiving.

And, it's looking like I'm not going to Detroit during reading period. My mom emailed me and said that "it must be difficult" for me to pretend to like her. Let me clear something up.

I don't hate my mother. I'm grateful for everything she's done for me. At the same time, she needs to realize that it's not her place to try to control me. I dislike her, that's true, but I also love her. She's my mom, right? I was harsh in my last post, also true. Truthful though. I wasn't trying to start drama. I was using my blog for it's intended purpose, which isn't going to change knowing that she reads it. I guess I hoped that maybe that last post would serve as a wake up call to her. Instead, I think she's going to cut off contact with me for a while. As Dad said, she can be immature.

That being said, it's actually a good idea for me not to go to Detroit. I've got ass loads of work coming up. Ehhck. I think I'm going to try to get a good start on my biology paper before I got to Milwaukee, because it's due Wednesday after this.

Anywho, I've still got lots of reading and outlining to do. Peace.

Fuck My Mother

My Room
Mutherfucking Pissed Off
Venting vis LOUD Shostakovitch
3:48 pm
Thursday, November 18, 2004

Fuck My Mother

You reading this bitch? Do I have you attention? Good.
There are some things we need to clear up.

You don't fucking know me.

Instead of ever attempting to know me as a person, an individual subjective entity, you have created a mental construct of what, in your twisted opinion, I should be. Ever since I got kicked out of Brookhill, you' ve decided that I'm a bad person, and that's just false. Instead of attempting to approach me interpersonally, you insist on spying, snooping and prying to gather information, and then taking this twisted picture and apply it to you contrived construct, where I always fall short.

Well no fucking shit. A construct, I might add, that is built entirely of negative forms, supported by your ridiculous view of the world, and continued based on your continual negative judgements. Instead of considering that your take of the situation may be wrong (because God knows, that could never happen) you try to force me, guilt me into being what you wish
I was.

And I'm tired of it.

Have you ever thought that I'm happy as I am? That I love me? Rememebr when you put me in therapy? I learned one lesson that has been of endless value to me: You're fucked up. I would sit and talk to the therapist, and after a couple of days she told me that most of my problems stem from trying to make my mother happy. She said that that was a bad idea because what you wanted were conveluded ideas that are at the root distructive. She sat me down, looked me in the face and said,

"No matter what your mother ever thinks, You Are A Good Person. You have it all figured out more then a vast majority of the people I work with, adult or child. And your mother's stupid for not seeing that. Don't even live you life for her. She's unhappy, and therefore, you will never make her happy. You don't need her approval, and I don't think you necesssarily want it. Forget her. You Are a Good Person."

And she's right. Remember how she then told you that she wanted you to start coming to see her? You didn't like that very much now did you?

Remember when you read my journal as a "way to get to know" me since I never talked to you? How well did that work? What makes you think this would?

You've always resented the fact that I love Dad more and am closer to him and Jaynie then I'll ever be to you. That's becasue as some point in my development they stopped treating me as an object that they could manipulate and took me as a person. We developed friendships, and they help me more then they know by offering me advice, support and understanding as another person in this world trying to live life the bast way I can. You on the other hand. . .

I used to get so jealous going to my friend houses and seeing these mothers that took actually joy in watching their children become their own independent people, excited that they would get to know this wonderful individual, wanting to help them on that journey in anyway possible. They realized that the raising part of their job was over, and the best thing to do is to be a resource, a supportive place to go for advice, solace, and comfort. You have never been that. Istead, you treat me like a burden, a hassle, unworthy of your time energy and love.

And that is also not true. Did you know that almost every time I talk to you, right after I call Dad and ask him, "Why is mom mean? Why does she act like I'm a huge drain? " You treat me as if I'm a fuck-up, with no direction, who just constantly asks you for things because I am unwilling to provide for myself.

Let's look at this objectively. I'm in college. In fact, I'm at the top rated academic college in the nation, studying sociology in the greatest sociological departement in the world. I'm on the Dean's list, vice president of the Texas Club and my House, working 15 hours a week for a non-profit tutoring program. Oh, and when I'm not sick, I volunteer with my fraternity on Saturdays. I don't do these things to be anything, I do these things because they are the objective results of who I am as a person. I call you to ask for book money, and you treat me like I'm asking for money to blow on ski trips. If I could live the rest of my life and never ask your for money, I would.


Did you know that when you call, my friends stop talking, and look at me compassionatly, waiting for me cry. You called the other day to accuse me of "losing focus" as opposed to having a medical problem. Maybe if you had read my blog more recently you would know that it kills me that I'm behind, that learning is what I do, and no being able to do it is horrible.
But of course, that wouldn't fit in your construct of me.

Because there I'm an ungrateful, partying slacker who drains you money and basically doesn't have their shit together.

Yes, I do party. I'll tell you like I told my prospies last year: we all work so hard during the week that we cut lose on the weekends. Unlike you: I know when to stop. I can and do keep my life in balance, something that takes time, work and energy.

I realized a couple of years ago that I don't like you as a person. If you weren't my mom, would I want to know you, learn from you, be your friend? No. You wonder why I don't visit? Because I'm force to spend the entire time either defending my mode of existence to you, despite the fact you don't have a clue what you're talking about most of the time, like most everything you state in regards to me, or having to constantly be aware of you disapproval as I continue to not fit into what you think I should be.

I hate your suspicision, you distrust, your lack of faith in me as a person. I have no trust, and equally no respect for you. You're a controlling, manipulative, judgemental, money grubbing bitch who speaks without knowing, and gets insulted when that's pointed out. There are so many time that I hold my tongue around you, about to correct your behavior or ask, why you were so pointlessly mean, because YOU RAISED ME BETTER THEN THAT. But what good would that do?

You're probably sitting there thinking I don't know what I"m talking about, but remember: this is what I'm trained to do, see things in terms of form and intended action. This is what the government is paying for me to learn. Part of the reason I choose to study as I do is to understand you. And I do. Whether you think my claims are true or not in no way takes away from the validity of my arguement.

So, Fuck My Mother.
Am I bitting, mean? I learned from the best: You.

Oh, and I'm not fucking pregnant.

Evil Mystery Virus of Doom

My Room
Smoking a bowl with Alii
Discussing past flings
Watching West Wing
Knitting wonderfully cream colored scarves
NO NAPPING FOR ONCE
4:30 pm
Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Evil Mystery Virus of Doom

Good news: still looks like I don't have mono. Bad news: they now don't have a clue as to what's going on, except that I have a sinus infection. My mom thinks I'm pregnant.

I have personally decided that I have the Evil Mystery Virus of Doom
I still have the energy of a sleep two-toed sloth.
I'ms so far behind that I'm about to lap myself.

Tonight, tonight is a night of work. Yesterday was supossed to be, but it didn't happen. I blame mental emotional drama since I dropped French. I'm going to go to Walgreens, get a pregnancy test to make my mom shut-up, and then do work.

And then craft with Alii. As house vice president, I'm supposed to make birthday door insignia for everyone. So, we're going to make hand turkies.

Hooray me attempting to return to life as I know it, kinda.
I'm still the Queen of All that is Lame as Hell.
Only know, I'm the Queen with an Evil Mystery Virus of Doom

Ok, Fine, I Give

My Room
Seeking Solice via John Mayer
Finishing Special K Red Berries and Soy Milk
Angry with Matt's Busted Ass Coffee Pot
A Wee Bit Depressed
About to go Admit Defeat
Happy Birthday Eric
11:29 am
Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Ok, Fine, I Give

So, it looks like the best way for me to survive this quarter is to drop French for now, and take it again next quarter. There is extensive reasoning behid this. First off, I'm really really behind. Even if I made some miraculous recovery and was able to physically do all the work that I've missed in the last week, I would still be conceptually behind. While it's true that I could theoretically pull through and pass, that's not what I"m about. And if I did pull through and pass, it would be to the detriment of my other courses. This way, I can retake French 202 next quarter, truely learn all the concepts I missed the first time around, and do well in all my other courses this quarter. Logistically, it makes sense.

But it still feels like academic defeat.

My mom called yesterday and acused me of just "losing focus" and then promptly showed her ignorance as related to mono, and me as a person. It really hurt my feelings. True, maybe I have lost a little bit of focus lately, but I still claim sickness first and foremost. Does she really think I'm the kind of person to say I'm sick as an excuse not to go to class, go to work, do anything? Why would someone do that? Why does she have such a low opinion of me? Why does she refuse to see me as a person, and what I am, as opposed to the mental construct that she has created that has little or no bearing to reality?

Enough. Ok, fine, I give.

I went to the doctor again yesterday, and they took about 32 gallons of blood for assundry medical tests. I got to see a REAL doctor, which isn't always the case at the Student Care Center. She gave me antibiotic for the sinus infection, finally, and thinks I have mono too. Which is good, because if it's not mono, what the hell's wrong with me?

Oh a good note, I guess I'm getting used to this virus living in my body. Don't get me wrong, I'm still exhausted all the time, and I still get spacy and light headed easily, but I know my limits, I know when i'm going to need a nap. The exhaustion has started coming in waves, which means that I can accomplish things in small doses. Hopefully, this won't be as completely deabilitating as it has been.

In a way, I'm glad that I got sick though. We all know how I get. I start going, and going and going, and eventually I crash. This time, I got sick instead, which provides much time for quiet reflection. I mean, because of mono, I've stopped smoking and quit drinking, at least for the time being.

Always look to the sunny side? Time to go talk to Aude. Wish me luck.

mono = lame.

I Have a NO-PARTY Policy in my Spleen

In my room, of course
Knowing that at least Shostakovitch Gets Me
Tired, Tired, Tired
Boo Mono
12:30 pm
Friday, November 12, 2004

I Have a NO-PART Policy in my Spleen

So, I went to the doctor yesterday, and they told me my spleen feels full, which is major sign that I do, in fact, have Mono.

"Does it hurt when i do this"
"It feels a little uncomfortable. Mildly painful."
"Like your spleen is full?"
"Sure, I guess."
"Well, I think there may be a little mono party going on in your spleen."

I HAVE A NO-PARTY POLICY IN MY SPLEEN!


This is wholly depressing. I haven't been to class since Monday. I was all going to go today and go to at least one of them, ASL, but then I got dizzy and almost fell over going to the bathroom, so I nixed that plan. I was actually jealous of Kenneth, all getting up and going to class today. Oh, for shame.

I mean seriously, since when am I ever lame? Suddenly, I have become the queen of Lame as Hell.

On a good note, I went to see the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. To quote from Kenneth and I's pre-music conversation:
"Well, maybe I can't go dancing, or play drinking candyland, but at least I can still go to the symphony."
"Even when your sick. Does that list strike you as odd at all? Swing danceing, drinking candyland, and the glow in your eyes before the symphony. ::smile::"

I got a kiss on the check for that one.

Shostakovitch's 8th Symphony, in C Minor, is what it feels like to be manic. It was absolutely amazing. The CSO hall is beautiful, I didn't feel death-like. I was spell bound.

I've been awake for about an hour now, and I feel like I'm about to crash. Time to self medicate, and go to bed again.

I knew that sleeping 18 hours a day would get old, but I didn't think it would happen this fast.

Desperatey Seeking Balance

Sick
Haven't Left my Room All Day
Soothed by Norah Jones and John Mayer
Upset, Disoriented, a Little Scared
Dealing with the World's Worst Sinus Infection
2:40 pm
Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Desperately Seeking Balance

Two Topics for discussion today: Ayse, and Me.

Ayse first. We've been having issue, because the only time she ever spends with me is when Scott has other plans, or is at work or etc, etc. I really don't like that all I'm worth to her is the leftovers, if she doesn't have Ottoman History to do. She says that I do the same, but I find fault in that statement, and in that logic. I don't give Kenneth all my time, and give her any stale little leftovers that there may be. Why is it that all the people that are important to me, don't find me that important?

Part of it is the way Ayse does relationships: she finds someone and lets them take over her life, lets them become her sole emotional support, her only social circle, her universe. And then she lives in this little world, whether they treat her well or not, because since she's given up any life she might independently lead, if they do treat her poorly, it's not like she has anywhere else to go, or that she'd go if she did. She totally forfeits any thing that’s hers in exchange for a modicum of what she equates with stability and a false sense of self worth. And through this, destroying any strives she was making at gaining her own sense of self worth and inner stability. And then, when this newfound universe falls to shambles, it's people like me and Roger who suddenly regain importance, and are pulled back from that dusty shelf where we've been sitting, and pick up the pieces. She doesn't have the ability, or refuses to be an independent entity when in relationships; she refuses to allow other people to be important to her to. When you try to talk to her about these things, she sees them, but claims they're inherent and refuses to do anything about them, or even admit that she has power over her own actions and choices. If others still are important, as she claims, then it really doesn't matter because they're worth shit compared to her new man. Does this suck for me? Yes, yes it does.

She claims I'm similar, that I haven't been making time for her, but I beg to differ. I am still an independent person, with my own friends, life, things that I do that don't involve Kenneth. In my own defense, I didn't think that when she came home those mornings these last two weeks, and I didn't spend time with her because I choose cuddling, that she was coming home solely for me. I mean one would assume that since she lives her, ohh wait . . . Since discovering this, I have made sure that when she says she's coming over, I'm awake and ready to talk, which at this point mostly consists of hearing blow by blow replays of her and Scott's sex life, or some other gushing about Scott's fabulousness. True, I do spend a lot of time with Kenneth, but no to the exclusion of others. She's a little miffed that I'm spending so much time with Alii, she feels a bit replaced. What the hell else does she expect me to do? For one, I really love Alii. For two, Alii doesn't have a problem spending time with me, and we enjoy many of the same things. Alii's awesome.

I guess my main question is why do all my friends, my original urban family, not have the want of the ability to maintain our friendship? I understand that we are all moving on in our lives, continuing the evolution of who we are as people, but that in no way to me means that I'm anywhere close to willing to throw my old friendships to the wayside for new ones. I mean, without Eric, Bryan, and Lauren, I wouldn't have such a rich sense of who I am, of where I came from. Those people know me best. And more then my friend's here, we all lead very different lives, miles and miles away from each other, yet we make it work. I know that the scale isn't the same, but the emotional commitment to doing what it takes to maintain these highly important ties is there, and here it's not. You never realize you're slipping away from people until it's too late. I feel like I'm the only one realizing this, and am powerless to do anything.

I have much more to say about all this, but to it I will return in a bit. On to me. I

I feel the Manic Monster banging on the door of my psyche, starting to claw his way through.
Top Ten Signs I'm about to Flip my Shit:
1. My room. I'm not keeping it clean, or even tidy, and we all know how OCD I am.
2. I'm not eating. Even when I make food, I'm not eating. I just can't.
3. I started smoking again, but only socially.
4. I'm not going to class. True, I'm sick, but some of it's for mental reasons along with physical.
5. I'm spending no time alone. We all know that I jealously guard a certain modicum of alone time. Nope, not right now.
6. I'm not sleeping enough.
7. I'm drinking excessively much. During the week. Only to get drunk. Weekends. Whenever. Did anyone notice I've reverted to wine in a box?
8. I've been sick for a while, and haven't been doing what I should to get better.
9. Inability to concentrate,
10. Lack of positive outlets, though I have them in plenty. I haven't been painting near enough, or playing guitar.

I know many more, from living with this for quite a while. I'm constantly distracted, I'm not reading for fun at all, I'm not smoking pot hardly at all, my fish died and I had very little emotional reaction. I've actually been missing Sean -- not what he/we became, but what we once were. I shake. I'm living in a mental fog of chemical imbalance. I spend too much time on the little things that ultimately don't effect much, as the bottom starts to fall out.

I see these things, and wonder if I'm going to be able to stop it. If it were last year, I'd have an evening of West Wing with Ayse, and it would be so much better. Now, I'm not even sure that would work. The emotional closeness, and the mutual agreement to care for each other -- I don't feel it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for someone to be the watch dog over my mental well being, but in the past, that emotional understanding, that loving concern was there. Pretty sure that Ayse's got her head so far up Scott's ass that she not only hasn't noticed, but probably wouldn't untwine her life from his enough to be around if I need her. And that's scary.

I've been doing so good this year, so balanced, happier with myself then I've ever been. But I feel it coming. I can feel myself slipping. So, what am I going to do about this?

1. Clean my room. Well. And keep it such.
2. Go to class.
3. Start taking better care of myself physically, and bitch slap the SCC for not giving me medicine yesterday.
4. Impose a drinking moratorium until further notice. This weekend is going to be very chill.
5. More alone time. Sorry Kenneth.
6. Talk to Alii.
7. PAINT
8. Blog more; it helps immensely.
9. Start smoking again. Both ways.
10. Closely monitor my sleep schedule. Again, sorry Kenneth.
11. Call my Daddy!

Let's turn our attention to happy things for a moment. I'm going to the symphony tomorrow. Hooray. (On a sour note: Ayse was supposed to go, in fact we hatched this plan together. True, we're not seeing the St. Petersburg Philharmonic, but nonetheless, it was something for us to do together. She sited financial reasons: that $10 would allow her to save more to go to California over spring break. I can support that. Hunny, I saw you buy Scott Hanson liquor with it last night. Nice.) I love they symphony; it's exactly my type of aesthetic. I'm going to paint with Alii tonight, after I do my homework. I'm going swing dancing with Kenneth Friday. Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas break is coming.

Life notes: I may have mono. I went to the doctor yesterday, and they did a test. The test turned up negative, but mono tests usually do for the first while. So, I get to go back Friday unless I make a miraculous recovery, and get tested again. So, that sucks hardcore. Means I can't work for a while. Or do much of anything. Maybe that's a good thing.

I just reread this post, and it makes everything seem more dramatic then it is. Maybe that's because it's all in my head, or maybe it really is that bad. Either way, I'm desperately seeking balance. And after writing all this out, I realize that I'm strong enough to weather this, with or without Ayse, whether I get full blown Manic/Depressive or stave it off, whether or not I have mono. I know this. It's just scary, and frustrating. But I love me, and I wouldn't be me without my mental imbalances.

"Don't look down, she seemed all right. You might be asking where is Tori tonight? Somewhere out on the highway. I'm sure that she's fine."

Blessed are the Epic

My Room
Cold Feet
Listening to Various German Opera
Not Writing my Paper Anymore
Tired, Tired, Sore, Tired, Tired
12:29
Sunday Night, November 6, 2004

Blessed are the Epic

So, this weekend was straing ridiculous. I'm ridiculous, but I had nothing on this weekend. Let's start with Saturday, shall we?

Leo, upstairs, decided to have a party. Good times. It was a "Celebrate the Sabbath" party, so when you walked in the room, you were sweeped into a bastardized Jewish ceremony involving drinking a cup of Carlo Rossi quickly followed by Mrs. Baird's white bread. I was the supplier of that tasty treat, and as Jessie said, Mrs. Baird's is a holy thing. This party was pretty drunk. Everyone was drunk, and of course, there was wine everywhere. I went somewhere, probably to smoke something, and when I come back, I hear much commotion from Leo's room. Then, Dylan and Jessie spew forth from the door, and start to grapple. I instinctively get between them, which earns me getting my head beat against the wall, and throw asaid, crashing into another wall, all at the hands of a very drunk Dylan. Turns out, he'd been playing Edward 40 Hands, and decided that what this night needed was for him to PISS ALL OVER LEO'S PARTY!

Yeah, that was about the time that Alii, Kenneth, Step, Paul and I decided to make mac n cheese and call it a night.

Saturday was supposed to be a day of paper wriitng, but I instead finished the reading that I was supposed to have done over a week before, and made yummy honey wheat bread with Alii. This was the sane part of my day.

So last year, I bought a copy of Candyland in hopes of making it into a drinking game. Alii and I sat down and wrote hillarious drinking instructions in all the sqaures and gathered victims for our evil drunken schemes. A few favorites are:
"Ever had a Jesus Phase? Drink 3"
"Virgins Drink 7"
Want to cross the shortcut between peppermint land and gumdrop kingdom? You're gonna have to lose your pants.

Things were pretty in hand for most of the candyland. Kenneth had to do a little dance twice, and Step had to spin around until she fell down, yet won the tickle fight between her and Andy. Then, for some unknown reason, we all started getting naked. I don't quite know how this started, but it peaked about two hours later when there were 12 mostly naked people (think underwear and bras) dancing in an inebriated fashion.
Me
Kenneth
Alii
Paul
Step
ROBBIE
Will
Piper
Alex
Patrick
Andy
Leo
With guest appearances by Lauren F., BJD, and Christopher from down the hallway.

Good times? Yes, yes it was. And we have tons of incriminating photos. Thank God none of us want to run for public office some day. I knew there was a a reason I wore matching underwear yesterday. My personal highlight was when Piper, Will, adn I went to smoke a cig, and I was wearing my hot pink bra, undies (the silk short type my grandma gave me, in defense of my modesty) and my black velvet blazer. It was pretty intense.

On a sober, scholarly note, I've been attempting to write a paper all weekend, and so far I've got a little over a page and half. C'est ma vie. It's not due until Tuesday afternoon, and I don't have class tomorrow, so I can get a lot of it done then, as well as Tuesday morning. Ehhck.

It's time to call this weekend quits, and get my slumber on.
Do I just bring out the ridiculousness in others, or do they bring it out in me?

So Choose Wisely

"The process of intelligent conduct is essentially a process of selection from among various alternatives; intelligence is largely a matter of selectivity." George Herbert Mead

Cool fact: the book where this came from, "On Social Psychology" is a collection of essays written from lectures that Mead gave. Gave in Cobb hall. Yeah, he's one of the founding members of the Chicago School. In fact, one of his students took his lessons and used them as the basis for symbolic interactionism. Neato. I sometimes forget that I'm at the leading sociology school in the world. That's great.

"They say you get the government you deserve, but I don't remember knife-rapping any retarded nuns." the Onion.

That's really all I have to say about the elections. I abdicated my Texas citizenship just so I didn't have to have anything to do with Bush winning votes in the electoral college. Boo for Bush being president. Boo Boo Boo. The end of the world may be very near.

Voting is HOT!

Up Earlier Then I've Gotten Up All Year
Tired, Thank You Kenneth
EXCITED!!
About to go Vote!!
Hooray Democratic Republics!
8:42 am
Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Voting is HOT!

Today, I join the ranks of fellow conscientious Americans and cast my proverbial stone in what has been called the political event of my young life. Since I had the choice of voting in a soild Democratic state, or being on of four people voting for Bush in Texas, I chose to vote here in Illinois. Ayse's coming, even though she voted via absentee ballot weeks ago, and we're going to document this asupisious event with pictures.

Later tonight, aftert my Neuro Science mid-term (Yuck!) we're having a meeting of the Ayse Lovers for Kerry. Hehehe. Ayse, Alii, Kenneth and I are all goiing over to Scott's for an election party (think tons of drunk teenagers screaming at the TV) and all the rest of Scott's friends are not fans of Ayse. We're going to act as a very drunk, politically active bubble. Damn, I love election day.

There have been two favorable signs for Kerry: The Washington Redskins lost on Sunday, and the Dow was down yesterday. So, here's to hoping. I'm going to go out and do my part. Representative Democracy, here I come!

Matt is a Douchebag

My Seat of Power
At Work, but not Working
Waiting, Waiting, Alone
Talking on the Phone to Ayse
Still Pissed at Matt
Not Ready for my Bio. Midterm
5:37 pm
Monday, November 1, 2004

Matt is a Douchebag

So, about a month ago, Matt comes up with a really cool idea: since there's a crew regatta in Detroit, him, Ayse and I should road trip up there, spend the weekend, good times. It was of course contingent on Matt making the boat, but possibilities looked good. November 6th is approaching. Detroit here I come?

Fast-forward to yesterday. I called Matt at about 4:30 to see if he was racing this weekend, and if so, what time we were leaving. Matt says we'll leave about 5:30 ish. Awesome. I called my mom and told her, and everything seemed all groovy.

8:00 Matt IM's me and says, "Guess what?" "What?" "Emily (the girl he has a crush on) asked me to go with her to Detroit and to stay at her parents house." "And you of course told her that you have already been planning on going with your two best friends for a month, right?" "Um. No."

Matt is a douchebag.

Let's run through a list of his excuses for blowing Ayse and I off, and I will swiftly tromp all of them.

1. He needs to stay with the crew team.

As far as I can tell, Emily's house in not a crew sponsered location, and last time I checked, Ayse was on the crew team too. And, even if he did want to stay with other team mates the night before the race, that's no reason to just completely fuck off our entire weekend plans.

2. He wouldn't have been able to spend much time with us anyways.

Time constaint plans haven't changed since he first proposed them, except that the race was moved to Sunday. Which, if you think about it, menas we could of had MORE time to spend with each other, but who am I to say. Even if the race was still on Saturday, we said, from the beginning that the fun part was going to be the roadtrip.

3. It's not that he's blowing us off, it's just that he doesn't have time with all the things he's being asked to do.

Well, if he had honored the plans that we made, this wouldn't even be an issue. This was his idea. This was a way to spend time with us, but as that is obviously not important to him. . .

4. I didn't know the plans were that set in stone. It was always iffy.

True Matt. It was contingent on you going to Detroit, but not on you changing your mind and blowing us off. And, for the record, don't play stupid. I called you yesterday afternoon and we set up a time to leave. That seems like a pretty solid plan to me. In fact Friday, we talked about what we were going to do, and how fun it was going to be. But, whatever.

There are many many more, but I'm getting quite incensed at this point.

Oh, and let the record show: Ayse doesn't have a ride to Detroit. Way to go Matt.

As far as I can see, he's acted like the plans that we made, that he initiated, mean shit. Don't worry about things that were planned with Ayse and Mia, I can just blow them off. I thought that this was his was of saying "You guys are important to me, I appreciate all that we've gone through. I'm making it an effort to spend time with you, see, by us going on this trip." Yeah, right.

He's dissing his best friends so he can chase some ass. Wonder how Smirti would feel about that?

I have lost so much respect for him as a person, so much love for him as a friend. I'm truely disappointed because, out of all the people I know, I thought Matt was better then that. Despite all the shit that's gone down between us, I always thought that Matt was a man of good character. Obviously, I was mistaken. It's very upsetting to discover that you're not important to someone at all, especially someone who's terribly important to you.

I'm not mad over the function, I'm disgusted at the form.
Matt, you lose.