Desperatey Seeking Balance

Sick
Haven't Left my Room All Day
Soothed by Norah Jones and John Mayer
Upset, Disoriented, a Little Scared
Dealing with the World's Worst Sinus Infection
2:40 pm
Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Desperately Seeking Balance

Two Topics for discussion today: Ayse, and Me.

Ayse first. We've been having issue, because the only time she ever spends with me is when Scott has other plans, or is at work or etc, etc. I really don't like that all I'm worth to her is the leftovers, if she doesn't have Ottoman History to do. She says that I do the same, but I find fault in that statement, and in that logic. I don't give Kenneth all my time, and give her any stale little leftovers that there may be. Why is it that all the people that are important to me, don't find me that important?

Part of it is the way Ayse does relationships: she finds someone and lets them take over her life, lets them become her sole emotional support, her only social circle, her universe. And then she lives in this little world, whether they treat her well or not, because since she's given up any life she might independently lead, if they do treat her poorly, it's not like she has anywhere else to go, or that she'd go if she did. She totally forfeits any thing that’s hers in exchange for a modicum of what she equates with stability and a false sense of self worth. And through this, destroying any strives she was making at gaining her own sense of self worth and inner stability. And then, when this newfound universe falls to shambles, it's people like me and Roger who suddenly regain importance, and are pulled back from that dusty shelf where we've been sitting, and pick up the pieces. She doesn't have the ability, or refuses to be an independent entity when in relationships; she refuses to allow other people to be important to her to. When you try to talk to her about these things, she sees them, but claims they're inherent and refuses to do anything about them, or even admit that she has power over her own actions and choices. If others still are important, as she claims, then it really doesn't matter because they're worth shit compared to her new man. Does this suck for me? Yes, yes it does.

She claims I'm similar, that I haven't been making time for her, but I beg to differ. I am still an independent person, with my own friends, life, things that I do that don't involve Kenneth. In my own defense, I didn't think that when she came home those mornings these last two weeks, and I didn't spend time with her because I choose cuddling, that she was coming home solely for me. I mean one would assume that since she lives her, ohh wait . . . Since discovering this, I have made sure that when she says she's coming over, I'm awake and ready to talk, which at this point mostly consists of hearing blow by blow replays of her and Scott's sex life, or some other gushing about Scott's fabulousness. True, I do spend a lot of time with Kenneth, but no to the exclusion of others. She's a little miffed that I'm spending so much time with Alii, she feels a bit replaced. What the hell else does she expect me to do? For one, I really love Alii. For two, Alii doesn't have a problem spending time with me, and we enjoy many of the same things. Alii's awesome.

I guess my main question is why do all my friends, my original urban family, not have the want of the ability to maintain our friendship? I understand that we are all moving on in our lives, continuing the evolution of who we are as people, but that in no way to me means that I'm anywhere close to willing to throw my old friendships to the wayside for new ones. I mean, without Eric, Bryan, and Lauren, I wouldn't have such a rich sense of who I am, of where I came from. Those people know me best. And more then my friend's here, we all lead very different lives, miles and miles away from each other, yet we make it work. I know that the scale isn't the same, but the emotional commitment to doing what it takes to maintain these highly important ties is there, and here it's not. You never realize you're slipping away from people until it's too late. I feel like I'm the only one realizing this, and am powerless to do anything.

I have much more to say about all this, but to it I will return in a bit. On to me. I

I feel the Manic Monster banging on the door of my psyche, starting to claw his way through.
Top Ten Signs I'm about to Flip my Shit:
1. My room. I'm not keeping it clean, or even tidy, and we all know how OCD I am.
2. I'm not eating. Even when I make food, I'm not eating. I just can't.
3. I started smoking again, but only socially.
4. I'm not going to class. True, I'm sick, but some of it's for mental reasons along with physical.
5. I'm spending no time alone. We all know that I jealously guard a certain modicum of alone time. Nope, not right now.
6. I'm not sleeping enough.
7. I'm drinking excessively much. During the week. Only to get drunk. Weekends. Whenever. Did anyone notice I've reverted to wine in a box?
8. I've been sick for a while, and haven't been doing what I should to get better.
9. Inability to concentrate,
10. Lack of positive outlets, though I have them in plenty. I haven't been painting near enough, or playing guitar.

I know many more, from living with this for quite a while. I'm constantly distracted, I'm not reading for fun at all, I'm not smoking pot hardly at all, my fish died and I had very little emotional reaction. I've actually been missing Sean -- not what he/we became, but what we once were. I shake. I'm living in a mental fog of chemical imbalance. I spend too much time on the little things that ultimately don't effect much, as the bottom starts to fall out.

I see these things, and wonder if I'm going to be able to stop it. If it were last year, I'd have an evening of West Wing with Ayse, and it would be so much better. Now, I'm not even sure that would work. The emotional closeness, and the mutual agreement to care for each other -- I don't feel it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for someone to be the watch dog over my mental well being, but in the past, that emotional understanding, that loving concern was there. Pretty sure that Ayse's got her head so far up Scott's ass that she not only hasn't noticed, but probably wouldn't untwine her life from his enough to be around if I need her. And that's scary.

I've been doing so good this year, so balanced, happier with myself then I've ever been. But I feel it coming. I can feel myself slipping. So, what am I going to do about this?

1. Clean my room. Well. And keep it such.
2. Go to class.
3. Start taking better care of myself physically, and bitch slap the SCC for not giving me medicine yesterday.
4. Impose a drinking moratorium until further notice. This weekend is going to be very chill.
5. More alone time. Sorry Kenneth.
6. Talk to Alii.
7. PAINT
8. Blog more; it helps immensely.
9. Start smoking again. Both ways.
10. Closely monitor my sleep schedule. Again, sorry Kenneth.
11. Call my Daddy!

Let's turn our attention to happy things for a moment. I'm going to the symphony tomorrow. Hooray. (On a sour note: Ayse was supposed to go, in fact we hatched this plan together. True, we're not seeing the St. Petersburg Philharmonic, but nonetheless, it was something for us to do together. She sited financial reasons: that $10 would allow her to save more to go to California over spring break. I can support that. Hunny, I saw you buy Scott Hanson liquor with it last night. Nice.) I love they symphony; it's exactly my type of aesthetic. I'm going to paint with Alii tonight, after I do my homework. I'm going swing dancing with Kenneth Friday. Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas break is coming.

Life notes: I may have mono. I went to the doctor yesterday, and they did a test. The test turned up negative, but mono tests usually do for the first while. So, I get to go back Friday unless I make a miraculous recovery, and get tested again. So, that sucks hardcore. Means I can't work for a while. Or do much of anything. Maybe that's a good thing.

I just reread this post, and it makes everything seem more dramatic then it is. Maybe that's because it's all in my head, or maybe it really is that bad. Either way, I'm desperately seeking balance. And after writing all this out, I realize that I'm strong enough to weather this, with or without Ayse, whether I get full blown Manic/Depressive or stave it off, whether or not I have mono. I know this. It's just scary, and frustrating. But I love me, and I wouldn't be me without my mental imbalances.

"Don't look down, she seemed all right. You might be asking where is Tori tonight? Somewhere out on the highway. I'm sure that she's fine."