Odes to the Dinning Hall

My Room
Wishing Alii would Tell me a Story
About to go to Sleep
11:42 pm
Sunday, February 27, 2005


Worky McWorkison

This was a weekend-o'- work. Friday, after Muffet, Karl came over, I took the shower of the Gods, and we cuddled and went to bed. I had work at STRIVE on Saturday morning, then Pierce. Alii and I wrote many tasty haiku. Now Presenting:

Odes to the Dinning Hall.

of time eternal
one meal, brief pause supposed
yet here I languish

oh kiwi of love
with thine tender fuzzy skin
I eat you with a spoon

quench my bitter thirst
carbon liquid asprataime
many tiny cups

(tri-taters)
i drown my sorrow
with absence of potato
your fried compassion

(salad bar)
of uncooked glory
even Pierce cannot touch thee
dressing soaks thy flesh

house table of lore
deslote, I come to dine
friends, not food, I find

purloined silverware
stick it to the meal-point man
fruit in my pocket

After that, we camped in Harper, under a window of natural light, and let our minds feast. It was a good studying experience.

Later Alii exponded on a theory proposed by her friend Ned, who'll I meet in 2 1/2 weeks. The theory poses that working away from home is much better. By seperating the two aspects of your life, you not only compell yourself to focus, concentrate, get shit done, but you create a catagorical distinction. Home is for lounging, having fun, and work is for somewhere else. It's a brillant concept actually, one I plan on putting to good use.

Later that evening, after more work, Florian for dinner, we went and saw "Team America: World Police." Yeah, I'm going to hell just for laughing. Then I went to BJ and it was so nice. Yea, I really enjoy Karl. Yum.

And now it's Sunday, and I've been Whistling all day. We had a production meeting at noon, then Naked at 4:00, then Barlett for dinner with Fink and Shepard until 8:00. Then work. Fun Fun Fun.

And now, I'm going to sleep. My back does not like Karl's bed as much as I do, and that's a damn shame.

What the Future Holds

At Work
Pay Day!
Nap Time Soon Approaching
4:45 pm
Friday, February 25, 2005

What the Future Holds

We'll see shant we?

For the time being, it holds much work. I'm going to start studying for my French final now, as well as starting my Grad Class paper. That paper should be fun at least.

I got an email today from the Inroads people. Hooray! I'm going to have to call Grandma and see if she'll send me some money: I have to buy a I'm-so-cute-and-qualified-don't-you-want-to-hire-me? suit for the training session and the interviews. Oh, Bryan, I'm like you: I'm becoming the man.

I also have a Summer Links internship interview next week. Many many interviews for internships.

Once those are done I can actually figure out where I'm going to live this summer, and next year. Joy!

I've got Muffet again tonight. It went fabulous yesterday. Oh, it was so much fun. I'm going to take a nap and then go be an evil spider. Hooray.

And fucking wash my hair. Good god is there much shit in my hair. Since I have to make it stick straight up off the top of my hair, I haven't washed it since Sunday. Yuck. But after Muffet, I'm going to see Karl. Yum.

Musical chairs for Tsunami Relief tomorrow after work and much studying. Then more studying, and then a movie marathon with Karl. Again, yum.

Looks like I'm going to have to call my mom in the next couple of days. I haven't talked to her in many weeks, and let's just say I'm not looking forward to it. No, I'm not going to ask her for money, but I want to see if she'll send me my cape, and at least update her on potential moving plans. God god, I may have to ask her to drive and get me, and we all know that she's going to act like. . . well, I'm sure but I doubt it's reasonable or nice.

I get all tight, and sucky just thinking about it. Why does she suck so much? I wish I had a mom who loved me for who I am, was proud of me, and was happy and excited to get to know me as a person. But no, I've got a mother who is so wrapped in her own guilt, for God knows what, teamed up with a skewed vision on the world and my place in it, that there's just a yuckiness when you get down to it.

I really wish she'd quit reading my blog. Jay even agrees: she should grow up, and quite expecting to have a real relationship with me while doing stupid shit like that. Next time I'm in Detroit (ha!) I think I'll get the ISP number off that computer and block it. I'm sure I can ask David how to do that. Hmm. . .

Damn, just thinking about calling her ruined my mood. I'm going to go do something else. Boo my mother and doom she brings into my life. Good thing Alii's mom's said I could be her surogate daughter. Hooray for Portland! Hooray for Verna! Hooray for people who don't suck!

Still Alive and Kicking

Work
Munching on Animal Crackers
Watching the Snow
Waiting for the Kiddos
3:07 pm
Thursday, February 24, 2005

Still Alive and Kicking

Muffet open's tonight, and I guess I'm pumped. It's fun, fabulous, and it makes my life happy.

My grades, not so much. I'm not going to do well this quarter. I'm probably going to get a C in Physics, but damn, that shit is hard, and I don't care about it a goddamn bit. But I may also get a C in French. I'm going to bust my butt, and I think I have a B in me, but you never know. I have no clue what I'm going to get in Grad class, but I think I'll do pretty well, and ASL is good too.

I don't know. Two C's in one semester. My first C's ever. Damn, that's depressing.

Alii assured to me that I'm a good person, even if I get a C in French. At this level, it's really difficult, and it's been a wierd quarter. I could break that down into many smaller components that made it thus (Kenneth, Coldness, a couple of bad colds, back pain) but truth be told, it's just been hard to focus. I haven't been motivated because of the combination of classes I took. I'm really going to have to plan winter quarter better next year.

I mean, let's break it down. Physics has been slowly sucking my gumption. I'm just not good at it, I don't care about it, and therefore have no motivation. Even when I think I get it, I don't. French got really hard. I feel like I'm behind, even when I'm not. There's so many grammer concepts thrown at me every week, without much time to get comfortable with them. And my Grad class, while I've been keeping up, I never feel prepared -- that's because I don't know much about educational theory in general, and I know that others do. Put these things in a bowl, dash of whiskey, mix well and you get my quarter.

Next quarter is going to be fabulous though! Not only am I stage managing Anyone Can Whistle, but I'm taking tasty tasty inspiring classes. Classes I want to take, that aren't fundamentally over my head. Hooray!

I'm taking Gesture in Cognition and Communcation, Sociology of Political and Social Movements (MHC here I come), French 203 (if I'm going to Paris) and ASL. Doesn't that sound lovely? And I won't have class on Tuedays and Thursdays, which'll allow me to keep my horses very much in hand.

I'm going to start spending more time studying away from Maclean. I think that's part of my problem. I mean, when it's horrible out, it makes sense, but I'm going to get to know Harper quite well.

As Alii put it, "Everyone's allowed a quarter of suck."

MUFFET: I really can't explain this one. I'll stick the little blurb in that we put on all the emails, but really, it's intense. I'm the Spider, to Ms. Muffet, who is the mascot of The University of Chicago State. It starts out as a campus tour, that suddenly goes horribly wrong, and everyone ends up in Muffetonia, where the absurd is key, and things wish they made sense. Oh joy!

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch someone attacked by a giant crayon? To witness birds die in flames? To see a pair of doppelgangers fall in love? To view theater in a bathroom?

Perhaps you have, perhaps you have not. Either way though, you definitely want to come see the most extravaganzical and lusterly production of the century----- an original production, created by the actors and staff in the rehearsal room- Muffet’s Leap, co-directed (and acted in by) Jeremy Cohan and Ben Shepard!

The dates:

Wed.-Fri., Feb. 23-25 (8th week)
Wed.- Sat., Mar. 2-5 (9th week)
7:30 PM

At a measly $5
Tickets are sold only in advance and there are only 20 available per show- so get them as soon as possible (i.e. RIGHT NOW)- they can be ordered at
nakedtickets@listhost.uchicago.edu. (If you absolutely must order by phone, or
want more info, call 773-684-5099)- Money is then taken upon meeting.
Also, check out naked.uchicago.edu for info.

Beginning around the University of Chicago seal in the Reynolds Club (57th and
University), Muffet’s Leap takes a 20-person audience on a wild and exciting
journey through the University campus- made strange. Everyday spaces are
traversed on a twisted “tour”- Hutch courtyard, the Midway, Cobb, Burton-Judson,
the center of the Quads- and are made into places of theatrical excitement,
violence, and magic by being immersed in the world of “Muffetonia”, where
everything that was comfortable, everything that was normal (like Miss Muffet on
her tuffet) is made spiderly strange. The show takes the moments where the world
is ruptured, where the normal is twisted into the miraculously odd, and runs
with them- a college couple becomes a pair of dueling, dancing, and baby-tossing
lovers; an uncast actor becomes a tragic suicidal Hamlet; a loser gains a
super-power of repellance and a doppleganger; a bully and nerd become figures
locked in an eternal chase; a Professor becomes a figure of monstrous and
threatening order; a Prospie becomes a guide, victim, and hero- and, as expected
at the end of any play, there is a trial.

This show is expansive, exciting, and provocative- you do NOT want to miss it!
Furthermore, it is the first large-scale production of a new campus theater
group, Naked Theater, So come to see a mammoth theatrical wildfire, come to support a new theater group and see its work, come because you know and love and/or despise me------just come! "

Isn't that lovely? Okay, I'm going to read Psychology Today, and wait to get off work.

Oh, one more thing. I went and observed a first grade class twice this week, and I think I'll be going back next week. I walked into the classroom, was suddenly, overwhelmed with this thought.

"I'm going to teach first grade."

It just hit me, and I couldn't shake it. I'm not saying that's my life goal, but I'm pretty sure that at some point, that's what's going to happen.

Damn those kids were cute. And the teacher was fabulous. I really enjoyed observing. I think I've got some good stuff to work with for the paper. She uses fluid groups, which I didn't expect. It's going to be fun researching.

That's what this weekend is about: Muffet, sleep, and work. Work work work.

Anywho, off to attempt to be productive at work. More about the kids and my paper as it comes forth.

Moe, and Muffet and Me, Oh My!

My Room
Having a Nightcap
Overseeing the Gnome Colbat Mining Operation in My Back
Jammin' to Rift (the Album)
Oh the Manna Bryan has Amazed in Heaven for Sending Me Tasty Phish
NOT Freaking Out
Damn Close
Going to Sleep Soon
12:40 am
Monday, February 21, 2005

Moe, and Muffet and Me, Oh My!

And we'll go in exactly that order, okay?

Moe. was amazing. I took Karl with me and he survived well. I had an realization of sort -- a sociological realization to the degree that I had to ask someone for their pen to write it on my wrist. I'll basically outline it here, but I want to think about it more, which I will have perfect oportunity for at Keller in two weeks. I realized that this could be what I study: Modern Hippie Culture.

The words I wrote on my wrist were:
Group
Culture
Norms
Groove
Vibe
Collective Effervesence
Ceremony

Let me turn them into a sentence or two to faintly illustrate what I mean -- I haven't the energy for much more.

I want to look at MHC in terms of Durkheimian Group Theory, which will see it as an open, inclusive culture, with many beautiful moral and societal norms. These together create the groove -- insert many "Emporer's New Groove" references here, you llama -- which gives the entire construct a vibe. I love it becasue everyone is so damn happy there, me too. There's such a sense of Collective Effervesence which leads to this giant release -- our own Ceremony of belonging.

More will be forthcoming on this, but at some other time.

Moe. was fucking brillant, and I jammed my self retarded. Only, by retarded, I mean I blacked out. And not from drugs, or anything stupid -- it was my back. It was one of those horrible times where I felt like I was dying again. Slowly losing the ability to see, yet unable to move, or think really, plus screaming back pain the finally hit your head and, and, and . . . Yea, it's the lamest shit ever. I swear to mother fucking God the doctors need to do something. It's not carpral tunnels, so can we do the goddamn MRI already? No, it's not like getting like lightheaded; it's like everything quites working, everything goes haywire, and painful -- yellow, black pain.

Karl helped. And when I gained the ability to form coheret thoughts and breathe properly, the first this he said was that he liked me, and kissed my hand, or some other sweet, yet not overbearing physicality. I think i'll let him stay around for a while. I like him too.

To Muffetonia shall we?

I got drafted into a play. I started yesterday, and we go up on Thursday. I originally said I'd help with logistics -- it's a show that happens mostly outdoors, all over campus. I'd help costume, etc. That changed into dramatruge, which again morphed into announcing scenes, which became a role, a character, and a giant time consuming event.

I also don't have the energy to go through Muffet -- fully entitled "Muffet's Leap" -- right now either, but if, or more aptly, when it comes together, it has the potential to be effective, funny, strange, risky, and ultimately moving. Of course, it's the most absurdist thing ever -- that's what you get when Jeremy and Ben Shepard direct a concept show, with a pretty free form script, written between the two, with the creative and directing talents of Ben Fink thrown in for good measure.

Whew!

This means, I'm feeling the strain. I have to arise early, strudy for French, go to classes, meet Ben, Ben and Jeremy for lunch and dramtrugery (Oh has my life become one giant walk between Maclean and BJ. And how!) then to work. I'll work until 7:15 ish -- taking the break with no one around to start the physics. At 7:15 ish I'll to Cobb for a Muffet run through. Then home to meet Grant at 10:30 latest for Physics Lab of Dhoom.

Tuesday I go and observe a classroom, so at some point I really should reread my data on reading groups, nested layer theory, and many, many more.

I feel as if I'm surfing a lava flow on a square of city sidewalk pavement -- sturdy, and well balanced, yet fundamentally unstable and dangerous -- disasterous consequences on either side.

Three Weeks Till Portland. Three Weeks Till Portland. Three Weeks Till Portland.

I will fill my backpack with a life journey, set forth each day, meet it head on with force, armed with New Phabulous Phish ( i love you b-man) and I will return victorious.

Sleep. Sleep is for the weak.

Horses eh?

My NEW Room
About to go to Physical Therapy
Waiting for the Brita
8:41 am
Friday, February 18, 2005

Horses, eh?

Sometime, you just need to uproot your entire life to get a better grip on your horses. And that is exactly what I've done. There are so many new things in my life now, and especially next quarter, that a tighter grip is in order.

I have a new room
new theatre
new friends
new boys?
a new outlook
a new empowerment

Let us see what this bright new future brings, shall we?

I Know I Don't Normally Do This, But . . .

My Room
About to go to Work
Not Super Sick Anymore
Oh I Heart John Mayer Sometimes
2:45 pm
Thursday, February 17, 2005

I Know I Don't Normally Do This, But. . .

I found this quiz on Ayse's livejournal, and it's pretty entertaining. And decently accurate from what I can tell. What do you think? Let me know. I'll put up a real post later, hopefully after I complete my move to 220.

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Spiritual Advancement
In a survival situation, you:	Outsmart your attacker
Your hidden talent is:	Spiritual wisdom
Your gift is:	Artistic talent
In groups, you:	Play an organisational role
Your best quality is:	Your empathic nature
Your weakness is:	Your lack of sensitivity
Quiz created with MemeGen!

New Digs

To Sick to be Anywhere but. . .
My Room
But Which One?
About to MOVE!
Sick, but I Went to the Doctor, so therefore,
I'm on MANY medications
About to go meet with my Grad Class Prof
Straight Ill
1:01 pm
Wednesday, February 16, 2005

New Digs

Whew. It feels like my world has taken many significant shifts -- significant in the way my research for EOSI uses the terms. Shifts that are statistically significant, but just bearly. They offer something that doesn't look necessarily very dramatic on a graph, but when ccoupled with several other factors, ultimately effectg more then you think

To be less verbous: I am about to go meet with my Grad Prof., Dr. Bidwell, Professor Emeritus. This paper will not only determine the course in which my next weeks wander, but will solidify my fate in this class; this is my only grade.

I think I have a great paper topic, I think. Let me expound for practice, and pleasure. And read it actually. I get the feelings that sometimes I lecture to the General Public, not only here but in real life. Problem with that is, that sometimes, I'm almost positive the GP's eye's glaze over, as is the plight of any teacher. Mostly , I don't mind, but this one is cool. Just go with me, people.

Okay, so the name of my class is Educational Organizations and Social Inequalities. Here we have been doing many, many, many readings about the structures of bureaucracies, and varying theories about what's wrong with public school. It's no about being right so much as looking at the same question, "What' s wrong with education, namely public schools in America, how can we prove this as a Social Science, and possibly, what can me do to fix it. Not so much on the third question. The key to writtin these papers, which breaks down to, what's key in formulating sociological questions and executing field work well is "How can I address this question as specifically as possible? What new angle can I take, new perspective through which I'll be able to ask a new question and hard, scientific data, to build models, usually calculius/derivities/boo to prove it. (Can you tell my eyes glaze over and I skim those parts. It goes something like "We toook the math, and math math math. Math math math mathy math math. derivitive variable math math math."

We touched on many things. Differing organizations, the idea of a Common School Effect, social capital, the Catholic School Effect, nested heirarchies, ad infinitum. What caught my eye was reading groups.

Fast forward. I decided to write my paper on something to do with reading groups so that I could go and sit in on Paula's (boss at work) class, and talk to her, and her student teacher, fellow STRIVE employee, Josh. Only Paula had her beautiful baby, Lauren Michelle.

So, I stat emailing other teachers at another local, closer, elementary School. Assistant Principle says yes, I talk to a teacher who says yes, and all I have to do is nail down dates with her once I talk to Dr. Bidwell.

So, what am I going to ask exactly? I'm going to re-read the research on reading groups. What I've read so far is telling me that this can be the way to go, while also directing research to look at resource allocation (text books, children, aptitude, supplies, teacher time) at this level, in a reading group and between reading groups. So, I'm going to go watch a couple of clases, plus paired with teacher interviews to draw some conclusions, clarifications, and tie it in with things we're read. I'd write it like a journal article: theoretically overview, methodology discussion, presentation of evidence, analysis of evidence, conclusion. Thank you very much.

Enter Josh. I start talking to him, and he tells me a program in Texas (Woot!) that he taught under for two years, called the Success for All Program. Here, they test kids' reading level at a school wide level, then classify them according to reading lever and age as opposed to within a grade and a classroom. Neato huh? When implemented in Texas, Josh's school had phemomenal results. Huge jumps in state administered test scores on reading level and comprehension. Even if it it isn't all due to the program directly -- maybe it effected the teacher/student relationship, as I'm sure it did, persay, the jump is so significant that SFA has to mean something.

I am going to do all this, only add this too. I'm going to talk about reading groups, observe, and talk to the teacher. Then go into Josh's tesitmony, and argue that not only is reading groups a great direction for research, but this program specifically.

Now, I have to go say all this to Dr. Bidwell, Professor Emeritus, brillant sociological educational researcher. Rather elderly, quite in fact.

That's at 3:00. It'll be the first thing I do today besides go to the doctor and buying myself a getwell present, or two. I went to the bookstore and bought "Vanity Fair by Willlilam Makepeace Thacker. Oh how so I love well written, torid epic love affairs, that are actually stunning social commentary. Yummy. And I also "I am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe, who also wrote "Electric Koolaid Acid Test." This book is supposed to be the book people will read to learn about the era in time in which we're in school. It's his first book in a long time and I get the impression, from review and reading a snippet of him that he may resemble Flannery O'Connor. At least in the way I love O'Connor: he pays special, poignant attention to the little details that make the characters vividly understood, and give the book a sparkling soul. I can't wait.

OH! I'm moving into Emmy's Room! Hooray! It's bigger and gets better sunlight, plus it'll give me a chance to reorganize, take stock, and purge my life. I'm going to do it in stages over the next few days. It should be lovely.

See what I mean? Neither of these two things seems all that life changing, but when you put them together, and add the effects on which their combined total will impact my life, there's quite a lot to be garned.

And on that note, I'm off to read my glorious books, which were brought to me by Jaynie, curtisy of the pointless holiday that was Monday.

"Getting so lonely inside this bed
don't know if I should like my wounds
or say woah is me instead
There's an aching insdie my head
it's telling me you better run furlong
but after midnight the morning will come
and the day will see if you will get some

they say that girl, ya know she acts
so tough tough tough
until you turn out the light
turn out the lights
that girl, ya know she acts
so rough rough rough
instead I turn out the light
turn out the lights
I said follow me follow me follow me
down down down
till you see all my dreams
see all my dreams
not everything in this magical world
is quite what it seems

yea, I looked above the other day
because i think i'm good and ready for a change
i live my life my the moon
if it's half lay low
it it's havest go slow
if it's full then go

wnd I'm searching for things that I just cannot see
well don't cha don't cha don't cha come be with me
now Pretend to be cool with me me
wanna to beleive
I can do it on my own
without my heart on a sleeve
I'm running I'm running
catch up with me life
where is the love that I'm looking to find
It's all in me
can't you see
why can't you
why can't you see
it's all in me

where is your legend?
who do you need?

Nelly Furtado -- I know, everyone has their moments of insight, right?

where is your legend?
who do you need?

Valentine's Day Musings

My Room
About to go take my Physics Exam
Sleepy, Sick, Sleepy, Sick
"All I learned is always wrong. Things are true that I forget, but no one taught that to me yet."
8:13 am
Tuesday, February 12, 2005

Valentine's Day Musings

Yesterday was kinda sucky. Besides being alone, I'm sick. I attempted to go to class, making it through French, only to come home and sleep through the rest of day. My backs so fuckered that it's making me nauseous. I awoke to eat much Florian and do Astrophysics for 5 hours. I need to do well on this exam if I want to not fail. Here's to hoping.

On Valentine's Day though, I have a few thoughts. Why is it that people feel this is the day to express love? Why not Febraury 23? Or March 2? I feel that love is not expressed enough in general, and feeling like Febraury 14 is the day to do it because Hallmark tells you to is lame. I want to show the people I love that I love them more then one day a year. In fact, let's strive for everyday, with small displays of affection, caring, trust -- love. I saw so many people carrying bears and chocolates, flowers and cards, and I said, "That's so expected. Now if someone gave me flowers tomorrow, that would be exciting." Alii did buy me flowers though, since she's my surrogate boyfriend, and they are lovely. It's the principle really -- why should our ideas of love be shaped and controlled by commercial America? People don't touch enough, connect enough, love enough and being forced to do it on this specific day smacks of falsness, of insecurity, of striving for something not real. I'll take a quiet walk, a cup of coffee, real conversation and connection with someone worth connecting to anyday, over mandated flowers and chocolate on February 14.

I had a encounter, shall we say, on Saturday night, and it was wonderful. I won't effervese here as I don't think that knowledge needs to be public domain. Let is suffice to say that it feel amazing to connect with someone else, even only for a few moments. Will he call me? I hope so, but if not, those few fleeting moments were beautiful and for them I am grateful. It's oh so nice to know that while it may not, this could potentially go somewhere besides downhill. There's no inherent barrier for affection, as with Kenneth, and I like that. I'm not saying that it will go somewhere or even that I want it to necessarily -- but the fact that there's that unexplored potential is such a pleasant thought.

Adam sent me an email yesterday, and I dare say, it was the highlight of my day. I love that kid.

Moving makes me light headed, I'm sleeping, discombobulated, and generally crappy feelings. That's exactly what you want to take a midterm of doom with right? Followed by physical therapy, more sleeping, Physics Lab, and class of 2007 roundtable dinner and discussions. I don't know if I'm going to have that in me. We'll see. It's be nice to get to meet people in my concentration, plus staff, but if I still feel like death, it's a no go. Luckily, I'm going to see Dr. Blackman tomorrow, so help is on the way.

I've been noticing lately that one can tell much about my life by the state of my room. Now, it's verging on messy, with piles of mildly organized shit, looking like it could fall into pure chaos at any moment. Yea, that about sums it up.

So, I'm a Transcendentalist

"As Man Thinking , the theory of his office is contained. Him Nature solicits with all her placid, all her monitory pictures; him the pas instructs; him the futhre invites . Is not indeed every man a student, and do not all things, exist for the student's behoof? And, finally, is not the true scholar the only true master? But the old oracle said, 'All things have two handles: beware of the wrong one.' In life, too often, the scholar errs with mankind and forfeits his privilege. le us see him in his school, and consider him in reference to the main influences he recieves.

"The theory of books is nobel. The scholar of the first age received into him the world around; brooded thereon; gave it the new arrangement of his own mind, and uttered it again. It came into him life; it went out from him truth. It came to him short-lived actions; it went out from him immortal thoughts. It came to him business; it went from him poetry. It was dead fact; and now, it is quick thought. It can stand, and it can go. It now endures, it now flies, it now inspires. Precisely in proportion to the depth of mind from which it issued, so high does it soar, so long does it sing."
" The American Scholara Ralph Waldo Emerson

What a Life

My Room
About to go do that Wrksht I forgot about
Then take my French Midterm
9:19 am
Friday, February 11, 2005

Up and Up

Things are hectic. Things are scattered, manic, crazy, a jumble, stressful, and hectic. To say the least, the very least.

Here's the low down:

Not taking physics next quarter because of the gumption-suckage, so I can take tasty classes I enjoy and have time for "Anyone Can Whistle."

Stage Managing/Acting in "Anyone Can Whistle" for Naked Theatre. Next meeting 8th week.

I'm arranging to observe a first grade class next week so I can compare my findings there with the readings we did for OESI. I am also going to compare my findings there with the Success for All Program, so there's extra research to be done. I'm presenting this purposal to my professor on Wendesday.

Paula had her baby yesterday! That means extra stuff for me at work, but that's fine.

Tuesday is the day of doom: I've got a Physics Midterm plus homework due, which I absolutely cannot fail at 9:30. Physcial Therapy at 11:15, lab at 2:30, presentation of an article for French at 5:00 then Class of 2007 faculty roundtable dinner at 6:00 in Ida.

Luckily, next weekend is moe. so that will be a needed relief. I think it's just Alii and I going, which is fabulous.

This weekend = studying, reseaching, APO.

Meeing my APO little brother today, despite the fact that I've done almost no community service this quarter thus far, but that's changing. Alii and I are making the rules for Musical Chairs for Tsunami Relief. 300 people playing musical chairs to earn $30,000. Pretty sweet huh? And I get to organize the whole thing. Yum.

Off to do a worksheet for ASL that was due Wednesday, for those of you with short term memories. For me, I have to do it this morning.

Oh, and I'm going to attempt to overcome my years of southern breeding and ask someone out today. Lord, what a Life.

Priority for Someone

My Room
Charles Mingus is God
My Back is one GIANT ball of pain. . .
Oh the French I have to do
Kinda Sucky in General
11:07 pm
Wednesday, February 9, 2005

Priority for Someone

Yesterday, I spent about 15 minutes blogging about 24 Hour Playz. And then I closed the window acccidentally, without publishing, of course. Silly me. Now I don't have the emotional fortitude to recount all the details, so let me sum.

It was amazing. I stayed awake for 41 hours with the help of much caffeine, and had manic good times. I was Janet the smack addict in a lovely little play called "There's No Talking to a Junkie." We got to yell obscenities, shoot up on stage, and I told my sister to shove her bougeousie bullshit up her filthy cunt. That's quality theatre for ya right there, my friends. It was fabulous, wonderful, and so many other things. I am now a devoted member of the Naked Theatre Troop. Hooray for me.

On another note, my mom has reared back into my life, in her usual fashion. I mentioned something, while stressing about money the other day, on here, and she read it and took issue. So, I recieved one of the nastiest letters ever, along with $250. Thank you Mom. I will now pay my cell phone bill and hospital bills. In fact, I can even afford to get the rest of my medicine, which has been sitting at the pharmacy for about a week due to lack of funds.

I wrote her a letter in response, which i will duplicate in part:

" By sending me the money with its accompanying letter, you only served to underline my point: it’s hard to be grateful for things not given with a free heart, but instead wrapped in psychoanalytic bullshit and a healthy dose of guilt, all to poorly cover up your own feelings of self-righteous, misplaced anger. Instead of sending me money to help me through lean times so I can focus on school instead of making ends meet, you insisted on being angry and attempting to guilt trip me. I don’t feel guilty, as I didn’t ask you for money, because I knew that this would be the end result. You say I’m ungrateful, and unappreciative – take a look at the person you’ve become in this situation. Mean, bitter? Sanctimonious? Vindictive? Only giving me money to make yourself feel better, and in the end ruining my day. Why would I want to be grateful or appreciative for that?"

I think that about sums it up.

It kinda sucked what little gumption I had smack out of my day. It's a shame really. I've had so little gumption lately, and she stole some of it. It's physics, it's stealing my life force slowly, day by day.

I just feel like I fail life, lately. No matter how much I do, there's always more, and I'm never quite prepared enough, always sleepy, and my back wants me to die. I feel like I'm going to crack, twist, break, splinter, shatter, fall apart, something soon. And there is little I can do about it.

Oh, and in case the lack of gumption wasn't enough, did I mention that my mom is mad at me yet again for something I didn't do? I'm so tired of being right in the face of her meaness, being a real person while she rants and raves at someone who isn't me, for being called ungrateful when in truth, if she'd give me a little bit of herself freely, without thought of consequence of reward, just once, I'd be overjoyed. I feel like I'm a good person, like I should make her proud, but no.

Again, I'm doing the best I can, being the most honest, complete person I know how to be, and she can't see that, won't see that, because she's trapped behind her own issues of guilt, inadaquacy, and so much more. I know that she's a good person, underneath it all. And I'm so very grateful for everything she did when I was little. It's just this whole approaching me as a real, independent person that's not working for her so well because I won't tolerate bullshit. At least not the emotionally abusive bullshit she trys to throw my way.

Dad tells me to remember one important thing: he loves me. And I know he's so proud of me, and I take great comfort in that. i just don't know what else she wants me to do. I won't change for her, because that never works, ever. And in fact, I like who I am.

What? I'm all out of answers.

And on top of that, Matt thinks I mad at him because "I'm not the number one priority in his life anymore." In fact, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm so glad he's happy, I'm thrilled that he found someone to connect to. I'm just saddened that that means I can't be a part of his life anymore. I'm sure he's growing, and learning for this, and I want to be a part of it, I want Matt in my life. I don't want to be his number one priority, just a priority of some sort.

And Ayse. She was too busy eating to come to our plays. Lame. Lame lame lame lame. She was too busy being self-involved, self-loathing, and self-destructive to come and be supportive of her friends. Again, I'm not a priority of any sort in her life.

I guess that's what I want: to be a priority in someone's life. I know I have Alii, and I thank the universe many times every day for letting me be in her life, but still. I want to be someone's priority. I want to be at the top of their list, in their thoughts, plans, and arms.

I feel like I'm giving, with no return. Waiting with no end in sight. Lost with no help to come. Slowly approaching the edge, the bend, with no one to notice or ultimately pull me back in any sort of effective way.

Where has all my gumption gone?
Who will make my a priority?

Can't Sleep

Either My Bed's to Big
Or I'm too Small
Either Way, I Can't Sleep at All

Where they Should be Warmth
Cold Sheets Instead
I'm One Spoon Lost in my Bed

Good Things Ahead

My Room
About to go to Work
Blingin'
Looking Forward to a Good Weekend
Sad about Abions untimely Death
1:42 pm
Friday, February 4, 2005


Good Things Ahead

Albion died today. It was rather sad. Poor thing just swam down to the corner and passed away. He will always be remembered fondly.

On a happier note this weekend should rock, now that I'm through this week. It hasn't been extra tough, but I'm looking forward to three days for rest and relaxation. It's hard to catch your breath here sometimes. Plus, I get to have a little extra fun: 24 hour playz and still time to get work accomplished.

I would like the record to show that I am officially caught up, verging on getting ahead in Educational Organizations and Social Inequalites class.

Yesterday, Ayse to me, "Oh, you guys are reading about schools and education?" Yea, she obviously hasn't been around.

Tonight is Vegan Potluck with TC and Brigid, and tomorrow the shows. I'm wondering if I'm going to be cast in the musical, and if so, how that's going to work out. I'm trying to talk Matt into going ice skating with me on Sunday, but he is reluctant. I mean, he of course can't do anything with anyone else that doesn't involve Emmie, but whatever.

Good weekend ahead.

I dropped my study abroad application off today. Yesterday, in Lecture session, I realized the extent of what I'm trying to do. Move overseas for three months. Wow. That would be amazing. Me Paris Me Paris Me Paris.

Here's to hoping, here to good times ahead.

God Loves Me

My Room
"Nothing you can see that can't be shown.
All you need is love"
Victory Herbage
About to do my EOSI Reading
10:54 pm
Tuesday, Febraury 1, 2005


God Loves Me

I was walking to a meeting today, in a bit of a funk, when the most amazing thing happened. As I walked, there was a young women who was walking towards me, listening to headphone, and singing to herself. As she approached, I heard her sing. . .

"All things are possible."

And then she was past, and at that moment, I realized that she was right. All things are possible. Suddenly, the day was a little bit brighter, the air a little less cold, and I was a little less unsure of my life. All things are possible: it's possible for me to get an internship, live in Austin, go to Bonnarue, and pass physics. All things are possible.

Next, I saw this small chinese women who was also walking towards me. Suddenly, she looked up, realized something, and started sprinting towards whatever she had realized.

I hope that happens to me one day: a moment of clarity, after which I'm so sure of my next destination that I sprint off into the future, catch the bus, and stride off to whatever comes next. I know where I want to take the bus to, I can't seem to get my shit together enough to get a valid CTA card. Here's to applying for a CTA quick pass, and hoping for the best.

I finished my Study Abroad application today, hence the apprehension about the future.

But, I realized that God loves me, this I know for sure because:
the kosher deli has baba ganoush again!
Alii was sent to rub my shoulders and make my back not hate me
that women sung to me and reminded me about the amazing possibilties that lie before me.

Now, all I have to do is stride boldly towards the future, and do my damndest to catch the bus.

Money Woes

My Room
Getting Thing Accomplished before I rush off. .
Pretty Freaken' Stressed
"As I land to reform, limb by limb"
Take a look at what time it is. . .
4:20 pm
Tuesday, Febraury 1, 2005

Money Woes

It is my life policy to not worry about money, to do the best I can, live within my means, while understanding and trusting the universe. There is enough of everything to go around, and I know that.

But, DAMNIT AM I BROKE.

I just got paid yesterday, and it didn't hardly make a dent in all the bills I've got going on. The money Dad's supposed to send didn't get here last month, and lord knows if it'll get here at all.

Things I need money for:
Mounting Cell Phone Bill
Bonnarue
Spring Break Plane Ticket
Spring Break
FOOD -- I haven't been grocery shopping in about two weeks
Life

When you look at it in that sense, it's doesn't seem that bad, but with my checkbook in front of me, I see dire straights. I think i'm going to have to ask my grandparents to help me out with Spring Break. I feel a little bad about that, but in a way not. Let me be self-righteous for a moment: I deserve a vacation. I toil away in the frozen north, busting my academic butt, and I want to go kick back in Oregon for 10 days. Is that unreasonable? I don't think it is.

Mom called today to talk about financial aid, and to tell me that she'll be in Flordia for the next two weeks. I almost asked her for some personal financial aid, but that's not a conversation I really want to have. I mean, she's obviously hurting financially, what with all the works he's missing to go to Flordia for two week. Geez. I wish she'd pay my cell phone bill, but who I am to ask her for financial help -- I mean, I besides her only child. I know that she does help me with food money, and tuition, but I feel sometimes that Dad and I are busting our asses to make ends meet, and she's . . . Well, she's going to Flordia isn't she. I know that she doesn't pay for all the trips, or the house, or the bills, so it's not in her control. But I ask myself, if she's not paying for any of that, what is she paying for and why is it such a big deal to send me an extra $50 everyonce in a while? She says I'm ungrateful, but when things aren't feely given, with an open heart, I don't feel grateful to the extent at which I otherwise would. I'm grateful for Jaynie, Gradma and Grandpa and Dad who have all committed themselves to helping me, us make this whole college thing what I focus on instead of money issues. She's , well again, she's going to Flordia. We almost on speaking terms again, and I wouldn't have even considered asking otherwise, but this is an issue that goes way back.

I sent a little money to the cell phone people (so not enough) and Jay said I can use the credit card again, so I'll be able to buy food. As for the others, I'll have to worry about that later. Plus, I also owe Ayse $25 for the Planned Parenthood benefit. Oh, and God Bless Bryan -- he said that if it comes down to it, he'll buy my ticket and I can pay him on a payment plan. Beautiful. Praise Jesus for team work. (Hehe that was a unusual amount of Lord Banter there for me. Oh, how I have my tongue in my check!)

At least Chicago Public Schools are open all this week, so I'll be able to actually work 15 hours a week. No worries right? I am a life warrior, and I'll get through this. I need to talk to Dad.

On a happier note, I'm doing 24-hour plays this weekend. It's going to be amazing. What are these so-called "24-Hour Plays" you might be asking yourself. Well, a bunch of theatre freaks will convene on Friday, and within 24 hours, write, produce, stage, light, costume and eventually perform 4 - 6 short plays. It's going to be amazing, if amazing = crazy. I need creative drama in my life, and since University Theatre is a giant clique, this seems the way to go. Plus the guy who's organizing it has the last name of Belle-Isle. How could I not go? I think a strung-out, manic weekend of theatre will be good for me in oh so many ways.

On that note, I'm going to OCD my room, and scamper to Cobb for the meeting.

Oh, and if you have any extra money hanging around, feel free to send it my way.