Priority for Someone

My Room
Charles Mingus is God
My Back is one GIANT ball of pain. . .
Oh the French I have to do
Kinda Sucky in General
11:07 pm
Wednesday, February 9, 2005

Priority for Someone

Yesterday, I spent about 15 minutes blogging about 24 Hour Playz. And then I closed the window acccidentally, without publishing, of course. Silly me. Now I don't have the emotional fortitude to recount all the details, so let me sum.

It was amazing. I stayed awake for 41 hours with the help of much caffeine, and had manic good times. I was Janet the smack addict in a lovely little play called "There's No Talking to a Junkie." We got to yell obscenities, shoot up on stage, and I told my sister to shove her bougeousie bullshit up her filthy cunt. That's quality theatre for ya right there, my friends. It was fabulous, wonderful, and so many other things. I am now a devoted member of the Naked Theatre Troop. Hooray for me.

On another note, my mom has reared back into my life, in her usual fashion. I mentioned something, while stressing about money the other day, on here, and she read it and took issue. So, I recieved one of the nastiest letters ever, along with $250. Thank you Mom. I will now pay my cell phone bill and hospital bills. In fact, I can even afford to get the rest of my medicine, which has been sitting at the pharmacy for about a week due to lack of funds.

I wrote her a letter in response, which i will duplicate in part:

" By sending me the money with its accompanying letter, you only served to underline my point: it’s hard to be grateful for things not given with a free heart, but instead wrapped in psychoanalytic bullshit and a healthy dose of guilt, all to poorly cover up your own feelings of self-righteous, misplaced anger. Instead of sending me money to help me through lean times so I can focus on school instead of making ends meet, you insisted on being angry and attempting to guilt trip me. I don’t feel guilty, as I didn’t ask you for money, because I knew that this would be the end result. You say I’m ungrateful, and unappreciative – take a look at the person you’ve become in this situation. Mean, bitter? Sanctimonious? Vindictive? Only giving me money to make yourself feel better, and in the end ruining my day. Why would I want to be grateful or appreciative for that?"

I think that about sums it up.

It kinda sucked what little gumption I had smack out of my day. It's a shame really. I've had so little gumption lately, and she stole some of it. It's physics, it's stealing my life force slowly, day by day.

I just feel like I fail life, lately. No matter how much I do, there's always more, and I'm never quite prepared enough, always sleepy, and my back wants me to die. I feel like I'm going to crack, twist, break, splinter, shatter, fall apart, something soon. And there is little I can do about it.

Oh, and in case the lack of gumption wasn't enough, did I mention that my mom is mad at me yet again for something I didn't do? I'm so tired of being right in the face of her meaness, being a real person while she rants and raves at someone who isn't me, for being called ungrateful when in truth, if she'd give me a little bit of herself freely, without thought of consequence of reward, just once, I'd be overjoyed. I feel like I'm a good person, like I should make her proud, but no.

Again, I'm doing the best I can, being the most honest, complete person I know how to be, and she can't see that, won't see that, because she's trapped behind her own issues of guilt, inadaquacy, and so much more. I know that she's a good person, underneath it all. And I'm so very grateful for everything she did when I was little. It's just this whole approaching me as a real, independent person that's not working for her so well because I won't tolerate bullshit. At least not the emotionally abusive bullshit she trys to throw my way.

Dad tells me to remember one important thing: he loves me. And I know he's so proud of me, and I take great comfort in that. i just don't know what else she wants me to do. I won't change for her, because that never works, ever. And in fact, I like who I am.

What? I'm all out of answers.

And on top of that, Matt thinks I mad at him because "I'm not the number one priority in his life anymore." In fact, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm so glad he's happy, I'm thrilled that he found someone to connect to. I'm just saddened that that means I can't be a part of his life anymore. I'm sure he's growing, and learning for this, and I want to be a part of it, I want Matt in my life. I don't want to be his number one priority, just a priority of some sort.

And Ayse. She was too busy eating to come to our plays. Lame. Lame lame lame lame. She was too busy being self-involved, self-loathing, and self-destructive to come and be supportive of her friends. Again, I'm not a priority of any sort in her life.

I guess that's what I want: to be a priority in someone's life. I know I have Alii, and I thank the universe many times every day for letting me be in her life, but still. I want to be someone's priority. I want to be at the top of their list, in their thoughts, plans, and arms.

I feel like I'm giving, with no return. Waiting with no end in sight. Lost with no help to come. Slowly approaching the edge, the bend, with no one to notice or ultimately pull me back in any sort of effective way.

Where has all my gumption gone?
Who will make my a priority?