I am Better, but She is Not.

My Room,
Coffee!
Studying for ASL midterm
Sleepy!
9:29 am
Monday, January 31, 2005

I am Better, but She is Not.

This was a good weekend. Quiet, calm, some what rest filled. Friday was spent facebook stalking random people, and eventually doing shit all. Alii was supposed to go on a date, and I was going to be stalker security, but since her date was sick, and everyone else bailed, we watched the "Emperor's New Groove."

Saturday = bliss. I awoke to Alii coming into watch "West Wing" while I continued to sleep. After I woke up, we realized that for the first time since the quarter started, we had absolutly nothing to do. It was amazing. We watched copious amounts of "West WIng," ate Mac n Cheese, danced, and eventually we to Jimmie's as to not go stir crazy. Did we do a damn bit of work? Hell no. Did we belly dance? Hell no. Did we babble drunkenly at her Soc. TA for two hours? Well, yea, we kind of did.

Sunday was not so blissful. The Ultimate Dance Show was at 5:00, so of course we had to be there at 10:30. We had a crappy half-ass run through. Then the waiting. And the waiting. The show went really well, after the hours of work and napping that ensued in the intrim. Gywn didn't get to come, because her babysitter stood her up, which is lame. But, it was relaly nice. We all looked hot. I took a bazillion pictures, and Will said he'd attempt to help me get them on the web, yet again. For some reason, my computer just doesn't groove on that.

After the dancing, there was a shower of the God (oh did my face hate me and the 43 lbs. of make up i put on it.), and dinner at Bartlett, French paper, EOSI reading, and sleep sleep sleep. Hooray for calm weekends that make me better.

In other news, Ayse and Scott broke up. I won't get into it now, but Ayse is now realizing that she, yet again, forsaked her own life for someone who is ultimately not worthy. I mean, honestly, who is worthy of sacrificing our whole life for? I'd venture to say almost no one, at least not anyone that you'd want to be in a real relationship with. I feel sorry for her: lord knows that getting your heart broken is a horrible, painful thing. At the same time, I'm not sure I can let her back in again. She comes, and she goes, and she comes and she goes, meanwhile being a shitty friend, and I'm expected, to A) put my life on hold whenever she needs me and B) let her waltz back in, assume her old position whenever she feels, not counting the fact that she'll be gone in a month. I don't think I have the emotional fortitude for that anymore. It hurts to build friendships, only to have one party totally bail for a boy and a relationship that's ulitmatly doomed to fail. I'm tired of having the same six conversations over and over and over about how she's got issues, and doens't know how to deal. None of us do. We all have issues, at least the people that I surround myself with, me included, and no one has it all figured out. But, we are working on it, doing what it takes to keep us sane, striving to figure things out, grow as people, and live a better life. Instead, Ayse stands there constantly justifying, constantly seeing the negative, focusing on the negative, making judgements though she doens't know anymore, and being unwilling to change, or at least work to better her situation. If you do nothing but constantly attempt to justify your life, or elements there in to a skeptical audience who sees through the sham, what does that tell you about what you're desperately trying to justify? You have to truely want to be better before you can do just that, and if you're not working towards the same goals as me for your own life, I'm not sure my mental and emotinal well being want you around. A true life is it's own justification.

I've been here.
I've done this, and it sucked just as bad last time.
I'm the one that gets thrown aside, promises broken, our plans don't count
And it hurts, but though she sees it, she does it over and over.
I am not her emotional door mat, I am worth more then that.
She claims to see me all the time, which is a lie, and goes somewhere else.
I doubt I'd want to see her anyway.

If she were a good friend, committed to the relationship, then it would be different, but that's not the case. Whe do I have to be the one to pick up the pieces, when she wasn't there, isn't there for me? Yes, last year was one thing, but I'm not that person anymore, yet she remains the same. I open my life to her, for her to swoop in with the heavy negativism, the critisms for me though it's not her place, and the same six conversations. Why? I'm not sure I can do this anymore.

What's the point? I said I wouldn't get into it, and maybe I did a bit. Not that that matters. She wouldn't be able to see the truth anyway unless she was drunk. Then she'd ramble on about herself, and how sorry she is, only to wake up sober, and again justifying.

I don't think friendships should have to be justified.