Valentine's Day Musings

My Room
About to go take my Physics Exam
Sleepy, Sick, Sleepy, Sick
"All I learned is always wrong. Things are true that I forget, but no one taught that to me yet."
8:13 am
Tuesday, February 12, 2005

Valentine's Day Musings

Yesterday was kinda sucky. Besides being alone, I'm sick. I attempted to go to class, making it through French, only to come home and sleep through the rest of day. My backs so fuckered that it's making me nauseous. I awoke to eat much Florian and do Astrophysics for 5 hours. I need to do well on this exam if I want to not fail. Here's to hoping.

On Valentine's Day though, I have a few thoughts. Why is it that people feel this is the day to express love? Why not Febraury 23? Or March 2? I feel that love is not expressed enough in general, and feeling like Febraury 14 is the day to do it because Hallmark tells you to is lame. I want to show the people I love that I love them more then one day a year. In fact, let's strive for everyday, with small displays of affection, caring, trust -- love. I saw so many people carrying bears and chocolates, flowers and cards, and I said, "That's so expected. Now if someone gave me flowers tomorrow, that would be exciting." Alii did buy me flowers though, since she's my surrogate boyfriend, and they are lovely. It's the principle really -- why should our ideas of love be shaped and controlled by commercial America? People don't touch enough, connect enough, love enough and being forced to do it on this specific day smacks of falsness, of insecurity, of striving for something not real. I'll take a quiet walk, a cup of coffee, real conversation and connection with someone worth connecting to anyday, over mandated flowers and chocolate on February 14.

I had a encounter, shall we say, on Saturday night, and it was wonderful. I won't effervese here as I don't think that knowledge needs to be public domain. Let is suffice to say that it feel amazing to connect with someone else, even only for a few moments. Will he call me? I hope so, but if not, those few fleeting moments were beautiful and for them I am grateful. It's oh so nice to know that while it may not, this could potentially go somewhere besides downhill. There's no inherent barrier for affection, as with Kenneth, and I like that. I'm not saying that it will go somewhere or even that I want it to necessarily -- but the fact that there's that unexplored potential is such a pleasant thought.

Adam sent me an email yesterday, and I dare say, it was the highlight of my day. I love that kid.

Moving makes me light headed, I'm sleeping, discombobulated, and generally crappy feelings. That's exactly what you want to take a midterm of doom with right? Followed by physical therapy, more sleeping, Physics Lab, and class of 2007 roundtable dinner and discussions. I don't know if I'm going to have that in me. We'll see. It's be nice to get to meet people in my concentration, plus staff, but if I still feel like death, it's a no go. Luckily, I'm going to see Dr. Blackman tomorrow, so help is on the way.

I've been noticing lately that one can tell much about my life by the state of my room. Now, it's verging on messy, with piles of mildly organized shit, looking like it could fall into pure chaos at any moment. Yea, that about sums it up.