Soujourn of Truth

I'm going Home. For the first time in a year and a half, I'm going to spend time with my family and friends. More then a two-day one-night haunt. I can share the fullness of my life with those I love best, not the serial novel version hastily told over beers before I drive off again.

Many terrible, wonderful, confusing, haunting things have happened in the last few weeks, and I desperately need the perspective of Home.

But, to sum:

Paul and me are over. At some point during 10,000 Lakes he had an unexpected, and unexplained complete reversal of feelings. I'm a fun girl, but he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. He doesn't even understand it. But more painfully, isn't interested in trying to figure out what happened, or work for the good we had. I don't fully believe the human heart can do that -- close itself so suddenly, so completely where once loving kindness and beauty reigned. A trippin' head can. We're meeting tomorrow to talk, to find closure. Once I know what's happened, I'm be able to write about it and hopefully not feel needlessly abandoned.

And with perfect timing, I also went crazy. The worst I've ever been. And I came back from the woods with Unhappy Bowels. Who would of thought that getting dumped for no reason, protracting a stomach parasite and have a four-day extended psychotic break would be the easiest diet ever? Not being able to get out of bed because of crippling uncertainly, paranoia, nausea, diabilitating hysterics and lack of any nutrition turns out to a high-energy fat burner? But hey, at least they decided to finally give me the good pills.

May a manifold of blessing rain down upon those who helped me through. Without them, I honestly wouldn't have made it: tall buildings are just too tempting. Bryan, Dad, Alii, Andrew, Ayse, Eric, Adam, Yitz, Igor, Katherine: I thank you with my life.

Again, more about this, and many more things soon soon soon. There will be much sitting on Dad's porch and figuring myself out all over again. And ya know what? I'm due for a good protracted sit-and-think.

When all this started, I asked the Oracle Book for words of wisdom: "It will nourish your soul."

I lost my center somewhere. Or willingly gave it to someone who misunderstood that great wonder he'd been entrusted with. Or maybe he understood only too well. Does understand? I know his feelings were real; I doubt the sincerity and emotional honesty of his hasty change of alliance.

Either way, sometimes you have to go back into the woods. Sometimes you have to go Home.