Beginnings, Ending, and All Sorts In Between

This weekend. Oh, this weekend. Besides there being 43 people staying in our apartment, attending boring ceremonies, quaffing much wine and not sleeping near enough, it's been an amazing couple of days.

My Reign of Laughter with the Cute Baby is almost to an end. Only one week more of hot dogs, children shows, park trips, tickling, sily songs, and unqualified cuddling. I've gained an unbounded appreciation for patience. I've become a part of this family. I've had an amazing, eye-opening time. Yea, I want children, I want a family, but for now, I'll stick with the giving the back at the end of the variety. Child rearing is rewarding, but much harder then originally anticipated. Will they remember me years from now and the way I used to pick them up, spin them around, and at least try to answer every question they placed before me? Caroline uses the big girl potty all the time now, and I was a part of that. Henry knows about organic chemistry, cock fighting, and the problems of not sleeping enough. Not only are the hours great, and money sweet, but I've been important in the life of a child.

Alii has moved out. Sad! Luckily? since it was during the maddness of Ayse and Lauren moving it, we didn't have time to sit in the living room, drink too much wine and cry. She leave for Portland Tuesday then goes to Mongolia, returning to all of use in the middle of August. Who would I be, what would have happened had I not offered to store her cheese in my fridge second year? (Alii insists I'd probably be barefoot and naked in a field.) The things I've taught her, the things she's taught me are infinite and beautiful. The things we've learned together have enriched my life beyond belief, for which I'm eternally thankful. Because she's got a degree. I couldn't be prouder.

Jesse has had enough of this frozen wasteland and is returning home to his beloved San Fran. And no one blames him. We went on our farewell dinner to Bistro Zinc, where I finally emerged from under the financial burden of my European debt to him. I came to terms with the unsteady terrain of our friendship turned romance turned back again. There are some relationships that solidify only after experiencing their opposite. Yet, realizing the lesson inherent in such personal encounters tend to come too early, too late. Not with Jesse. I have grown because of him, learning to temper my words without sacrificing any of my well-founded beliefs. I've fought with him tooth and nail to maintain my mental integrity, showing him that unstability is kinda sometimes what I'm all about. He taught me to plan for travel, renewed my appreciation for fine food, and gave me the opportunity to live life in large ways that I wouldn't have realized were avaliable. He's a maven and I love that. We were waiting for our table Friday night and he leaned over, squeezed my hand and said, "Once, I would have been super up-tight and anxious about the delay. I've learned to let it go, to relax. I've learned to chill and it's amazing. You're the Queen of Chill and I learned that from you. Thanks!" My work here is done.

Ayse moved in! I'm assuming that after about a week of transition, we'll be back on our first year schedule of excessive drinking and "West Wing" watching within the month. We've had a amazing friendship, like blooms on a cactus since I collapsed in her arms with a destroyed heart that night in the dorm. She told me he wasn't worth it, that I was better than him, reassuring my shattered faith in everything, even though she didn't know me. All this while she expertly lite me a life saving cigarette and made us a couple of necessarily strong drinks. She was my lifeline and I hers. Then insert 2 years of off and on best friendness, many boyfriends that weren't worth the effort of both our hearts, many hang overs and cigarettes, the resolution of a few issues and much human growth, we finally get to live together. I'm sooo glad we've convinced her parents after years of hardwork, that I'm a good influence. Silly parents. Seriously though, I think we're ready for co-habitation, Ayse ready to get out of the dorms. I'm constantly amazed with Ayse for her strenght, resolve and insight. Also, her absolute inability to take any bullshit for me what so ever. She's been dealing with her head in a highly commendable way and maybe with her support and love I can start doing that too. Basically, it's going to be a wine-drenched, dance-party of a good-time this summer. And I'm thankful that I get to spend it with her.

Punkin! She's moved in too! I realized that we're about at the one year point: remember the skinny dipping revelations that lead to our friendship? The wine that got us past our issues? Now that Team Hyde Park has conquored Europe, gone Camping, defeated 3rd year, and consolidated into one place of residence we've got no where to go but up. I'm so lucky to be have her smiling face, inspiring joy in my life day in and day out. AND NOW I CAN CRAWL DRUNKENLY IN HER BED TO TELL HER THE NIGHTS STORIES WITHOUT THE NEED TO RIDE MY BIKE DRUNKENLY ACROSS THE HP? Well, shit son, that's about the best news I've heard all day. Plus, now we'll be able to keep bagels at the house all the time. I'm just saying.

Yitz popped into my life briefly this weekend, as he is wont to do from time to time. Our stolen hours are directly proportional to a steady increase in loving kindness. Yet, with the flucutations of distance, the making of future plans, I become both reassured and deeply skeptical at the same time. Yes, there's the beauty of the now, abundant sunshine and a deep felt connection, sincere loving support, but is that necessarily a constructive way for me to spend my emotional energy? Do I really want to become ensconced in all that bullshit involving other women? NOnononono. I know how I feel about polyamory (okay for ya'll, not so much for me) and defending my reactions, constantly guarding my heart, wondering where I fit in the schema today? How about not. For now, the periphial role seems pleasant enough, my time allocations slight but adequate. The question becomes: to work towards more or coming to accept and appreciate less? I'm inclined towards the later as I craddle my tender heart, looking for love in my own time zone. There are so many things that are so important to me that he's not part of: shows, music, camping. I'm okay with that too.

Let's not forget the Devon house kids. After Blues Fest, there was an Emergency Room trip (Dave cut his hand) turned adventure, beers and laughs, cuddling for warmth as the birds begin to sing. I find it deeply reassuring to discover that it's only Hyde Park that is suffering from a severe lack of Hippies, not the greater Chicagoland area. But there's more too it then that. There's something deeply life pleasing about discoving other people with similar, complimentary, and reciprically-reaffirming interests: a love of music, a dedication to good times, and an easy-going open heart. Shall we jam? "Oh man, this is from Umphrey's on NYE, right? God, that was sick." "OH for real dude. Yea, you were there? Me too. Goddamn." Sometimes it's a fantastically small world inwhich, maybe, I no longer came to get down, alone. Good times.

New job starts Wednesday. Let's not mention the fact that I'm nervous. Nor that I'm worried about my canvassing abilities on days of Mean Reds. How about we focus on someone named Sasha calling me yesterday to confirm when I'm coming in and to tell me that she's genuinely excited about working with me. Let's talk about global warming. Let's save the planet. Last summer was great: musical theatre with children is quite excellent. But it's not direct service. It's not addressing one of the major social justice issues: people will die without affordable housing, not with out musical opportunties as a child. Music is of utmost importance to me, my driving force and I'm oh so thankful for being able to address the problems with arts education in the public school system in a real way. But we all live on this planet. We all need clean water. And now, I'm in a much better position to do something about that then I was in heels, teaching voice less and theater warm-ups. Fun in a different way, hard in a much more rib-sticking way too. I'm up to the challenge.

Ayse claims she'll get us the internet this week since she's not working. We no longer have such constant access to Razor, with his linux-rocking, internet-steal prowress, nor Katherine and her computer magic. So, maybe after that I won't only use the internet at Cute Baby's and write posts that are longer then anyone wants to deal with. Behold the bounty of my mental-verbal-blogtastic out pourings!

With all these beginnings and endings, it's good to remember that life is what happens inbetween.