my life is in shambles
yes, that's how i roll
being a slacker isn't all it's cracked up to be
eventually you have to do the work
and then you realize that if only if only
little bits of work are easier to deal with then massive
hulking chunks

i've realized that yes
i do work better with too much on my plate
it leaves less room for uncontrolled chaos
i had a paper due today at 3 pm
i started it at 8:30 pm
because i fail life

i want to run away to the woods
and i may just get the chance
ADVENTURE DIRECTOR
no shitting you
that will hopefully be my title this summer at Camp Duncan
B-man: so you're going to camp?
and emerge every day and lead adventure?
then go back into the woods?
wow, you'll be the coolest person ever

but why is that i want to run away?
if only i knew
or do i?

i've been having horrifically beautiful memories of sean lately
like going to bed
and cherished facial expressions
the smooth expanse of his back
and i hate that
and i fear i'm to bitter to find
the pure blissful love i so desperately want
or worse, not brave enough to try

i'm real real REAL unstable right now
and sad sad sad
for no good reason really
except that i don't like me right now very much
that's why they give me a clinical title
duh

how about another definition?
insanity: doing the same thing and expecting different results
sounds like every relationship i've ever had

the mean reds are not because of the objective quality of life
the work load is not unmanagable
the friends good
the weather bearable
the baby cute
the summer imminent
the summer is eminent

why? why? why?
the best way to come apart is at the seems
but wait
wouldn't it be better to just not be broken?

other news: scav hunt was amazing
check out punkin for some mid-Hunt blogging
(woah. just typed 'punkin' in the navigator bar and woah)
(do it! do it!)
yes, i'll write more about it at some point
yes, i may be lying

i wish i'd just settle
i wish i could be more stable
more fulfilled
more involved
i don't do near enough
for anyone, myself included
i'm disappointed in myself for that
deeply, profoundly disappointed

people tell me all the time
you're one of those people:
committed to helping others
making a difference
and i fight the urge to tell them they're wrong

but at the same time, i'm not sure that i can
do more
be more
and that's deeply psychically frustrating
and scary

will i be able to fully function in the real world?
how can i have kids if
sometimes i can't even deal with myself?
to quote my mother
maybe i should worry about keeping a man around
before planning the children
i'm probably not physically capable of bearing

my hopes of being home before midnight were futile
my hopes are futile as well?
i've thought it possible before
and i think so now
it seems the reoccurence of such thoughts
proves its possibility for truth
there is a reason for everything
even this