let's obsess shall we?

6 1/2 hours. that's not too long. that's long enough to write a paper. a shitty paper. maybe i can just sleep until then. no, i'd need to get up in at least 4 hours so i can get ready. and take the 6. but i'm baby sitting. kinda. i'm the worst babysitter ever. why. juice, tv. obsessing. oh getting ready. what to wear. 6 1/2 hours. should i shave? no. yea right. never having sex ever again. ever. maybe something will start again. probably not. or maybe. but i doubt it. he could fall madly in love with me. again? no, it was never that. do i want that. yes. no. yes. no. his face. smile. kisses. but emotionally closed. wish alii was her. why. why. why. he doesn't think enough. shouldn't be able to fake emotional honesty. i could wear that little dress top thing with dark jeans. be natural. that didn't work out as well as one hoped. how's my hair? or right: gross. or maybe it did work out. we'll talk. about real things? maybe i'll just get him drunk. why. maybe he had a change of heart. no, doubt it. you'd have to think about your emotions for that. there'll be answers. or not. well, maybe. probably not. i can say my piece. what is my piece? i think you tripped to hard, i annoyed you and you hung on to that insted of realizing that you're an idiot. maybe that's a bit much. or maybe no. hope i can not be a big bitch. just so damn good looking. why. i miss dad. i want to be in texas now. now. or maybe i should be a little bit of a bitch. or charming. oh so charming. why did this happen? what's the right flirting level? jesus christ mia. don't even start. please, just don't cry. no tears baby. i need a cig. i thought i was going to ride the farris wheel finally. nourish my soul my ass oracle book. it all hinges on what shirt i wear. the red one that's busty? no. tone it down. it's not like he doesn't know what's going on there. it was so nice to have someone to dream with. we fantasy shopped for farms for christs sake. such a waste. why. why. he doesn't believe in god. goddamnit. should i take the time and stress to explain my head and make sure he knows that that's not his fault. does he think it is? does he think about. do i have a right to demand things of his mind and emotions? did i? no. i didn't, nor did i try to. laughing. i can see the lovin' in my baby eyes, lovin' in my baby's eyes. i'll tell you that i'm sure i can, love her better then any othe man. lovin' in my baby's eye. dancing. sundays in bed. not since seventh grade have i been unceremoniously dumped before. shit. that time at the lake. that sunset. those sunrises. held him while he wimpered in his sleep. wisconsin. don't lose faith. hang on girl. i need a cigarette. and another whole in my head. does he remember? care? well, seems the answer to that is no. no tears valdez. did he ever? why? then what changed? nothing in me, except the crazy. maybe i can braid my bangs 4,308 times. that'll be good. the crazy. it sometimes seems to always come back to that. he said he's stable and i could hold on to him if things got bad. right. that worked out real well. appreciate his straightforward honesty. uh huh. sure that's what i'll do. i miss lauren. she doesn't have time or space to be close to me anymore. or the want. or maybe it's just me. probably. haven't seen her sans igor in a month. why. why. why. i know i'm awesome. how'd he forget. adam's coming to tyler? shit. fuck. no, i refuse to believe it. 6.4 hours. and counting. what if one day i have a family. well i probably can't even do that. now i sound like mom. too bad i'm not a lesbian. durkheim. i always have durkheim. maybe i should take a pill before this thing starts. no, then i'll be shitty, downtown, in public, at 4 in the afternoon, with my ex-boyfriend. eww. that's a gross thing to say. so what if i do have a famliy and dad changes his mind. happens. i liked the world better before i thought that it could happen that swiftly. i could wear the new favorite tee-shirt. better figure out if i want him back before i decide. not that wanting makes it so. or does it. no. i don't. maybe. i want answers. why. why. why. then whats the point? why not work for good things? not good of his character. maybe he really is dramatically less mature then i thought. fucking disappointing. i should probably go back to the psychiatrist. i need a beer. and a cigarette.