GODDAMN MF-IN BULLSHIT

My House
Smoking
About to Nap
Ill
2:56 pm
Wednesday, Februay 15, 2005

GODDAMN MF-IN BULLSHIT

I am not awkward. Nope, never have been. I've been clumsy, anxious, ill-spoken, straight-forward, blunt, bitchy, out of place, uncomfortable, bumbling, confused, distressed and weired out. But AWKWARD? Obviously not. That's how I make other people feel, thank you very much.

But WHAT THE FUCK? I'm "dating" The Awkward One and it's about to drive me batty, if it hasn't already. I was okay with it in the beginning -- every Thing has it's week or so of awkward: do I hold your hand? is it okay to call? where are the boundaries? That I get. But then you move on, and that person becomes who you're comfortable with. Except no. I didn't think there was such thing as too awkward to function, I thought Katherine had the awkward arena pretty much covered, but no. I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

And it's not one thing, or any set of specific things. It's the whole goddamn situation. It feels the way fingers on a chalkboard sound. Being with him is not even fun anymore. The awkward has over stayed it's welcome. I'm tired of feeling as if it's something that I am even remotely in control of. I'm tired of attempting to make all situations as awkward-free as possible, feeling as if it's something that I can control. As if it were my problem, and not his own personal issue.

And we're not even sleeping together, thank God. I figure that would just be another awkward bag of fish that would be impossible to deal with too. And you know what's frustrating? And it's that.

It's not that I don't care for TAO -- I wouldn't still be around if that were the case. But I'm quickly approaching my breaking point: either you decide to let someone in (even if you don't know where that's going to lead), and get over the BULLSHIT (because that's what it is: bullshit) or you don't. And we need to do one or the other, or I'm gonna bail.

He is welcome to insist that I'm not his girlfriend multiple times in one day. Yes, that's right: I'm not his girlfriend. But let it be known that I'm not sure I'd ever want to be. More importantly, I worry that he's not capabale of connecting with someone on a real level, making girlfriendness, not only undesirable but impossible.

And if he reads this, he's going to freak. And by freak, I mean be awkward. More awkward then usual, if that's possible. His head will explode. And you know what? I DON'T CARE BECAUSE THIS IS GODDAMN MF-IN BULLSHIT.