Shine On, You Crazy Diamond

Started Writing: 3:30 am, yesterday
Smoking with Lauren
Rearranging My Room


Posted/Edited: 17:32, today.
In Class

"She's the Balance Beam, and I keep, falling all around her fairy tale. I want to sing to you." Sounds like my life.

Shine On, You Crazy Diamond

In class we've been traveling through time, focusing on medieval ideas of religion at the time, through the dramatic change of the rise of individuality. Incidentally, I'm writing my paper on heretics. Specifically, what it meant to be a heretic and therefore against God, the then all encompassing soul/sole purpose of a world without personal choice. And, it somehow seems fitting.

Why mince words? I've stopped taking my meds, and I doubt I'll ever start again.

In some ways I feel as if I'm making yet another heretical decision, in a long stream of paganism. But not paganism is the consumer capitalistic sense it's come to embody but in its true historical sense: someone who purposefully goes against the sociopolitical, moral way of life in the most direct, fundamental way. It was just easier to label then as all aspects of life were summarily contained in the catholic Catholic Church.

I've had some realization lately as I've scoured my mind for pros and cons, do and don't, seeking moral, philosophic, personal justification for either or. I've been struggling with the vastness of the world, and my place therein, how I feel about divinity, and Why, God Why is my brain different.

As always, when looking for answers, I take refuge in books: "Franny and Zooey," "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and Portable Nietzsche my constant companions, sorely missing "Awakening the Buddha Within." (Hint Alii, hint HINT!) I'm still pondering the same questions I always have.

Where is all this coming from? Let's take a short trip down memory lane, shall we? My junior year of high school, I worked at a local gym, K and H Fitness. I've known Kelly, the propriater for a long long time. I worked out with my dad there, and they're good biking buddies. My job basically consisted of answering the phone, being personable, in shape, and knowledgable about how all the equipment worked. Generally secretary stuff, minor cleaning, and all my dad's teachings about the correct way to persue personal fitness. Oh, and making sure to clean the machines every thirty minutes, and doing all three local crosswords, secretly craving fast food.

I generally worked the afternoon shift since I finished with school at 1:00. It was easy, and I knew most of the clients after a while. It was easy and convient to get in 20 hours a week. Eventually I picked up a couple of night shifts for other people, which I learned to be bad and good. No one there, so I could read without recompense from Kelley but I also had to clean the entire place before I left. I also didn't know the evening crowd

So, here I am in my fashionable athletic gear, already having had cheerleading practice, and probably running that day or meeting my dad to work out, 16, and reading a book. "Awakening the Buddah Within," mostly bought on a whim, but quickly proving otherwise. My life is being quickly changed as I discover another way to say what I already believe when your typical middle-aged Tylerite approaches. He asks what I'm reading, making general happy, Southern conversation as he waits for his wife. I show him, and tell him I find it very interesting. He then begins to rant about how unfortunate it is that when kids go to college they start to think for themselves, and oh no! possibly stop being the world most perfect Christain, at least by Tyler standards. He tells me that my parents need to take me to Church.

Let's all take a moment and imagine my face. Like, woah. Out of nowhere, this man I don't know begins to undermine my entire being, making sure to bring in my upbringing and family while he's at it. I'm a tad pissed, to say the least, and as always, a bit punchy.

I flip through the book, answer the phone as it rings, answer a question, hang up, still flipping. Then I find it: "The Kingdom of Heaven is Within." (Luke 17:20-21). Right there in the Bible, quoted in the introduction of the my new book. (Already highlighted to be sure.) I read it aloud, telling him that it's the same idea as Buddhism, at least in one respect.

The divine is within us all.

I've been thinking about that moment lately. It seems to be a turning point in my life -- the point when I decided, yet again only more forcefully to go against the norm in what ever way necessary. Okay, so I'm not Christian, but more specifically deciding to live my life in whatever way I see fit -- in the way that is most true to my divine nature.

We are all Seymore's Fat Lady. So, maybe the divine within me shines a bit too bright on times. Maybe for me, Hippie Church is everywhere. I see that even if others don't, and the overwhelming presence of it all can at times, be overwhelming. It's too much sometime -- such as when I throw myself against walls. But in general, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Or in the parlence of the time, to quote Bryan. "Bling on. Don't cash yourself."