Nest

The Mac Lab
Waiting to go the The Assembly Meeing
Aren't those the guys that killed Socrates?
Tired of this. . whatever that is
No handling people so well
Boo for the research I have to do
7:15 pm
Wednesday, June 1, 2005

Nest

Today was a fantastic day outside. Sun shining, birds chirping. It smelled of lilac, and there were many small children playing in the many parks I walk through each day. I was perfectly dressed -- not to cold, not to hot. It was the last day of classes, with the most amazing summer laid out before me. Glorious.

And all I wanted to do was stay in my nest. My bed. My den. My refuge. For some reason, lately that's the only refuge. As if somehow, staying in bed will cause time to stop, lt me freeze this time before things continue. I can hunker down in the pillows, cover my head with the blankets and breathe. The only quiet from the chatter in my head, the only peace.

What the fuck's wrong with me? Goddamnit! As I went home today, to invariably crawl in bed, I knew that what I was doing was innane, but yet. Why is it that I feel so off-kilter, out of touch, strung out, over wrought, under loved? More importantly, why do I think that crawling into bed and rocking back and forth will make that feeling go away?

I'm sinking, inevitably into my head. This school has put me on a 10-week cycle, and down I go. It's immensley frustrating to see ths stupidity, uselessness of it all, to rail mentally against my own lack of emotional fortitude, berate myself mentally, yet, into bed I climb.

Too many unanswered questions. Too many unthinkable thoughts. So much good to be had, all around me. But as always, I wait for the bottom to drop.