So Much Shit

My Room
Smoking
Packing
Not Doing Work
1:04 pm
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

So Much Shit

Damn, I have a lot of shit. For the past two years, I've been forced to purge every eight months, and let me say I need it. As the days until I have a home of my own windle away, I'm a bit worried about my ability to ratpack. I like purging my life of useless shit -- shit that's at least useless to me.

There's other shit going on as well though. Paper's are coming, and damn do I need to work on them. And readings. But the show is up, so I have bits of my life back. I just have to remember the important things (aka: school) for the next couple of weeks so I can pull out this year with some decent grades.

Adam's not coming. I know, it's sad, but he has real reasons. Truth be told, the important thing is that he wants to be here, wants to spend time with me. We'll see each other soon. Sometimes I just so damn undertanding it's annoying.

I'm talking with Karl today. And it all comes down to this: I'm not in a place where I can be a good girlfriend to anyone. I just can't do it right now. I'm to into being me, getting my life together, and spending time with my glorious friends. Don't get me wrong, I could go into varoius reasons why I as a person, and Karl as the person I know aren't meant to be together, at least not now. But it's more then that.

I realized this the other day: I've never had more direct control over my life then I do right now, and I've never been happier. I was telling Alii about how high school was like a small pond. And for me, there was a film of oil, slime, filth on top that tainted everything, forcing me to self-medicate. That taint was not being in control of my life, being stuck in that go-nowhere town with the same damn people, most of whom aren't brillant. It had it's good points, but I was fundamentally so unhappy, so stuck. I'm glad that that's over.

In a relaltionship, to a certain degree, you have to give up your personal soverignty. Does this mean that I'm never going to be willing to give my life up to somone else? I don't think so. I think we can all see that I tend to jump into things full boar. Any of you who have seen me in a serious relationship know that I committ my all to it. But right now, that's not where I want to be. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I hope that we can still be friends. My feelings for him haven't changed: I still like him, I still enjoy his company. However, this not being accountable to someone, not having to squeeze more hours into the day, sleeping sprawled across my bed, that has been good. I'd like to date him. I'd like him to be a part of my life: who knows what'll happen at some other point.

I can't be anyone's girlfriend right now. At least not in the conventional sense.