A Little Justification

My Room
Sleepy
Drinking a night cap
Ohh my life . . .
1:29 am
Thursday, May 12, 2005

A Little Justification


So, let's go back to Tuesday night. It all started at work. I'm sitting there, working on the computer, minding my own business, when my back seized up. I got light headed, kinda woozy. No biggy. I drank some water, stretched, and went on my merry way.

Then I went to rehearsal. Soon, I was curled up in a ball on the stage, trying not to throw up, or scream. Pain pain pain. I went upstairs and slept for three hours. I came home and emailed my teachers, and missed all my classes today because of it. (Which, of course, makes me feel like a bad person.) I slept, as to avoid the pain of ambulatory motion, and went to the hospital.

They're finally going to do a MRI next Thursday. In a way, I'm glad -- it's about time to know exactly what the hell's wrong with me. But I'm also scared.

What if it's all in my head? What if it can't be fixed? What if it can be fixed, needs to be fixed, and I have to have major surgury? What if it's indicitive of another medical disaster? How much of this is me having trouble dealing with the state of my life and wanting to stay in bed forever? How much is it me being a big fat wimp?

Mostly, I'm afraid they'll find nothing. I've gotten so used to dealing with my back, and I don't expect a miracle. But I refuse to think it's all in my head. Damn, this hurts: typing on the computer. I must to bed again. I'm just hoping that through this whole ordeal, I get a little justification. My french teacher thinks I'm a big fake, I hope the medical profession doesn't too.