Ho Hum

My Room
Sipping Caroline's and Coffee
Preparing for my ASL final?
Strange Mood
John Mayer, Howie Day, Ryan Adams, The Hudsons on Mixer
First Snow of the Year is on the Ground!
10:38 am
Wednesday, December 1, 2004

Ho Hum.

I'm in a strange mood, possibly stemming from the fact that for the first time all year, I shut myself in my room last nightg and got real work done. It was nice. My neuroscience paper is some of the most quality work I've done all year. I had to post a sign on my door telling everyone to go away unless a) it was vitally important to their continued existance, or b) they came bearing tasty treats. It work, and therefore I worked for about 6 hours.

Why haven't I been doing this more? I feel more at peace when I actually get things accomplished with the intensity and dedication that they deserve. I realize now that I don't work well when I try to do homework socially. I'm ready to accept that.

More importantly: I'm in love with being alone. At the moment at least. Since Kenneth basically moved into my room, that basic necessity has come into short supply, and I can't have that. I feel kinda bad because when I get in ass-kicking mode, I don't have the capacity to spend much time/energy/thought on him, and he seems to get all discombobulated and disjointed. I don't know how I feel about this.

I know that part of my weirdness is my not being used to him not lighting up my world. Don't get me wrong: I like him, and I enjoy spending time with him. But, at the same time, I realize that my heart doesn't glow everytime he walks in the room. Next question being, is that a good thing? With Sean, that was status quo, and I loved it. Maybe in the end, it was destructive, but I blame that more on circumstances and Sean being an emotional-broke-ass-sell-out-lying-sack-of-shit then emotional overkill. And even though the thought of another all-consuming, heart fluttering, wobbly-knees, skip through the tulips, can't help but think of you realtionship scares the fuck out of me, deep down -- That's what I need.

And I refuse to settle for less.

I deserve to be loved that way, and I know myself well enough to know that one, I need to love someone that was as well, and two, love, a relationship, whatever, will only work, i mean truely function on a deeper level that is wholly satisfying to both parties, if degree of emotional involvement is even. That doensn't mean that the dynamic of the relationship is such that both parties occupy identical roles, but that they're both committeed to said construct with the same level of devotion.

I slept alone last night. And it was wonderful. I woke up this morning alone, and completely okay with that. In fact, leaving my bed unmade for a minute, jamming out to morning music, and being a general fuckaround -- I mean 'studying for ASL' -- was great, is great.

And then the bottom falls out?

"You want to stay but you damn well I want you gone."
"What you're doing is screwing things up inside my head."
" And there 's a painful love. And it's me who has all the control."
"When it's cold outside and I got nobody to love. You'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're going to give up. Like a little girl who cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams. Is there anyone out there, becasue it's getting harder and harder to breath."