Twice the Fun

Merit!
Volunteers are good lovers.
3:33 pm
Wednesday, September 8, 2005

Twice the Fun

They/we/I/the doctor decided to double my medication dosage. Good times? As far as my Disappearing Libido, he thinks that's a manifestation of the depressive side of my chemical goop of a brain. Maybe, but either way it sucks a lot.

Can we all hear God laughing at me? I can. As Alii says, I go from no one, to everyone, purely because God finds my life entertaining. Hey, I do what I can.

I'm going out twice tonight, that's how cool I am. I'm meeting Vincent for drinks at the top of the Hancock tower, then dinner with Jesse. Then Alyssa's 21st Birthday Cocktail party. Goodness!

Vincent's pretty awesome. He organized Musical Chairs for Tsunami Relief, which is how we know each other: I restructured the rules for them. (What they originally had was crap.) Then, earlier this summer I had lunch with alums, and he was there, so we chit chatted, said we should hang out. And now we are. I win.

I wish I could pause my life sometimes. Just press the pause button and calm everything down for a few minutes. Silence, peace. Things to do, people to see, places to go. And sometimes I feel like I can't take a breath, or take the proper time to stop and appreciate where I am, or correctly absorb all that I'm a part of it. It's frustrating. I'm tempted to cancel my dates and go home. Alone time is needed. As Jesse reminded me last night, I'm committed to spending time (specifically, with him only. He's selfish, so he claims.), going here, doing that.

Sometimes I don't care. Just don't care.

This new dosage scares me, but at the same time makes sense. But am I really ready to give up panic attacks and the manic swings? Maybe. We'll see. Or I'll be like most mental patients and go off the meds on occassion. I'm betting my money with option 2, but secretly hoping I'm strong enough for option 1. There's already a little part of me that feels like a big failure for even stepping foot into the SCRC, whcih constantly wars with that other little part of me that's so damn proud of me for getting help.

I wish they'd both shut the fuck up. Oh, wait, they're giving me drugs for that.