Of All the Things I Don't Have Time For

Second Floor
Good Ole' Reggie Joe
Oh Paper! Where are you? Why won't you come out?
I know you're there!
Getting Twitchy
12:32 pm
Saturday, June 4, 2005

Of All the Things I Don't Have Time For

it's an existential crisis. My psyche has decided that since I'm about to make a symbolic pilgramage to the land of milk and honey, by God the time is ripe for me question my personal metaphysics of life. Lord knows it needs tweeking, parts complete overhauls, but NOW?!? NOW is NOT THE TIME..

I understand it though. Since I only visit Texas now, it stands as a place to test my new ideas, my new lives. Who I have become falls into sharp relief against who I was, in the context of my friends as they are. It's something that takes mental preparation for, there's no doubt. But couldn't it wait until Monday, after I turn this paper in, and take a French exam?

So, instead of getting up and going to the library early, as I should have were I a good little academic, I sit in the kitchen, drinking coffee, and musing. It's because I made the fatal mistake of starting to re-read "Bridge Across Forever" which defined how I feel about love and personal consciouness so many years ago. But truthfully, there are no accidents. Why this had to happen now, I don't know, but I accept that it does.

And I'm faced with the changes, and the lessons I've learned since I first saw objectively in that book. Do I still believe in soulmates? Yes. Do I still think I have the capacity to be one, to have one, the emotional fortitude to invest in someone? Not right now. But I still believe. I believe that there's amazing power in thought, and we are each given the capacity to be whatever we want. But only what we really want, with our entire beings. As long as we're living our highest truth to the best ability, making our best full-faith effort.

But on the other hand, I have a resevoir of cynism, objectivitiy, my rational ivory-tower self to contend with as well. Doesn't all that seem a little bit unrealistic? And if it is true, then hasn't your chance already been shot to hell? Do you get second chances? Do I honestly believe this stuff that smacks of new age spirituality, full of fluff? I mean, by God! Where's the empirical analysis? With such unreachablee standards, of course you're going to end up alone, living in tiny houses with Alii, with baby llamas and Deaf Mongolian street kids.

So, while I should be writing a paper over something that impassions me, I'm sitting here trying to find the framework in which to best situated that passion.

These Things I Know Are True
1. We create our own reality. What you see is what is there.
2. There is a reason for everything.
3. You are never given a wish without the capcity to fulfill it.
4. There are an infinite number of space times, all existing simulatenously as every different path I could have taken.
5. This is but one lifetime, with it's own specific lessons to be learned.
6. We are closest God/love/light/life when we create.
7. You have to love yourself first. The rest will follow.
8. Every thought you think changes you, therefore changing your life in a profound way.
9. God is all around us.
10. The most important thing to strive for is positive change through love.

But finding someone to share these beliefs, there complete being, lovelifelaughtergrowth? I feel as if I'm supposed to figure out a new big chunk of understanding, a new mental fortification for my beliefs. And I would if I could stop my life for about two days, and deal with my head. But always, this tendrils of gesture theory playing with the edges of my mental constructs. Soon. Soon.

The quicker I finish this paper, the sooner I can understand myself again.