Step One

In Class
Oh Feminism.
17:23
Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Step One

When I was in middle school and I knew everyone. Whenever I think about it, flashed of laughter, gossip and always people people people leap to the forefront. It was the same in high school: cheerleading, theater, clubs, classes. It was glorious.

Then something happened. Someone who I knew turned on me for no reason in particular. She awoke one day and decided to forever change the course of my life. No only did I have to go to a new school, show my mother that I'm not the person she thought I was, but it was the beginning of my Head drama. I was forced to examine my life in the stark relief of what it had become -- new school, I knew no one -- and what it had been. And I was scared. Why should I make new friends when the last time around had been so fantastic?

All of those consequences have passed, each enriching me beyond belief. In fact, I wouldn't change it if I could. I am who I am today -- pretty fucking sweet -- because of that turmoil. I was forced to evaluate my life in the harshest terms and decide if society was wrong, or I. In my opinion, it was the former.

Why this train of thought? I realized last night that the remaining shred of suck from that is that I can do acquaintances, but I never fully engage, always on guard. Sure, once I get to know you a bit, you can't keep my heart closed. But until then, I'm weary. Very weary. Who knows: maybe that unknown person will have an attack of conscience one day and pull the floor out of my life yet again? I'm not sure I'd weather that well a second time around -- I've already learned those lessons.

But I'm not sure I like that. I want to feel comfortable around people I don't know. To not pre-judge people before I know to them to decide if they're worth my time and trust. I want to sparkle in the middle of a group again. I want to be surrounded by friends and laughter, joy and glee. To go to parties and not uncomfortably see people I don't know. I want to see friends I haven't made yet.

Is this not an option due to the overwhelming anxiety that grabs me by the throat? Or am I afraid? Afraid of the anxiety. Afraid of judgment. Afraid of betrayal.

Don't get me wrong: my life is filled with amazing people, laughter, love -- but all these people are time tested, true friends. It's making new ones that's hard.

At the same time, I've never been the type of person to get to know everyone, knowing everyone's business without any of my own, keeping everyone at a distance. I just had a much enlarged group of friends with a much richer diversity of closeness, intimacy, love and trust. Instead of not trusting everyone, I trusted until that proved me wrong. Now, I do the opposite. I don't have the time or inclination to be everyone's buddy -- it's true friendship I'm looking for.

Yet, there are times for acquaintances, times for idle chit chat. And that's what leaves me cold. That I can't do. I don't know what to say, and it's obvious that I don't care. Then I see the group of moderately known people shift and change, leaving me standing by, fighting panic.

Where did my ease with strangers go? When did I decide that I was only in the market for Friends, leaving all other forms of personal interaction at the wayside? Can I change this?

When I'm out, I have trouble making eye contact, don't strike up conversations most of the time. I'll just sit at home, drinking wine, clinging to my tried and true friends.

But then! Then something happens and all I want is people: the more unknown the better. Names, faces, sounds, sights blur as I rush to consume as much of life as possible. And I love it. I feel the light shining from me: I am glorious, I am loved.

Then the mania passes, and I'm stuck wanting to be blithely social without knowing where to start. How? How do I fight the anxiety --- and don't you dare say drugs -- while staying true to myself? What is this self I want to protect? What am I afraid of? If I was betrayed, what would they say, who would they tell?

That's not anywhere near coherent. But it's a start. This is something I want to change. Slowly so as to fight the anxiety, but let's remember that I am the master of my life. And I'm a pretty amazing master at that. I have faith in me, and faith in my ability to know where to draw the friendship line, where to fill in the blanks. Blitheness here I come. So, step one.